With Butterflies in My Wake

In Which...

2010-12-14T01:46:00.000-08:00

This, like walking down a hall of many doors with no windows,

is my decision to make, but if i could have a helping hand?

a caring word or phrase would make this choice so much more

bearable.

Please let me take your-

I'd like to say I am strong willed and courageous

but inside I know

you can see right through it and all my pretenses

and sense my weakened heart whose beats are so

hesitant that I doubt even my existence to you.

Have I chosen this way wrongly?
This path of deteriorating grey ?
I've lost the compass and the map

or never had it at all.

There is a pressure in my chest waiting to burst out any moment

like a voice weakly calling out to you and to me

There's a blockage in my view or a million paths tangled

like thorns lashing out at you

or latching onto me

Please let me take your-

What is this future you see?
A possibility you don't want to share with me

Why can't we go back to before decisions were ours

When the world was big, and bright,

and we could see one road untangled

When we could hold-

Please let me take-

It's something I've been wanting to say deep inside

confused by a myriad of superficial thoughts

a web of chains, events bound to distract

and yet this hidden thought keeps calling out to you and to me

So which door do I choose?

This, decision so heartbreaking like tearing the wings off a bird

is my choice to make, but if I could know your answer?
Would the path I take lead me away from you, a constant ache asks me

so despairingly.

I'd like to see us both walk the same bright white path

because I know

you can see right through all my pretenses

and sense my needful heart whose beats are so

hesitant in their existence until they see

the bright white that we can walk to.

Please Let me take-

Please let me take your hand

And let's walk ahead of that time before decisions were ours

When we can finally smile in our decisions

and our path is cleared.

Because the pressure in my heart will no longer be

bursting out to the world to share it's bright white

against the deteriorating grey

of the other lost paths.

In which...

2010-04-09T01:16:00.000-07:00

The sun does shine
on this withered, shrunken hand
along with a breeze
a contradiction
a pale blue sky and scents as fresh
as the rain we wait to fall
from or veins, our hearts
a malediction
a pale blue song from birds
as benign as words
malign from you
The sun does shine
on this pretty, scarring hand

2010-03-29T09:41:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how just walking into a Starbucks can make one feel so inadequate sometimes. :-)

Randoseru Time~

2010-03-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

As some of my friends know, I recently ordered a Japanese backpack for my little brother on Ebay. It being my first time buying something so expensive from a "non-company", I was a bit worried when i couldn't track the package on its way here.

Luckily, it came in the mail today! Imagine my surprise waking up in th emiddle of the day, a pounding headache and sore throat, and seeing a big box on my computer chair! Needless to say, thoughts on my cough went out our broken window as I immediately set to demolishing the wrapping around my baby brother's new Randoseru!

Smaller than I expected, but it fits all his school supplies and then some! He seemed pretty excited to get all his stuff in there too, (all giggles and everything). I bet that once i start making him some cute obento, he'll be able to fit that in there too, or he can just carry it.

Now all it needs is a hand made Ben 10 keychain to hang on the side! ;D

Bad, terrible Vivi

2010-03-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

Take me away

2010-02-24T21:29:00.000-08:00

Take me away from such a world
where children cry for things easily avoided
for something lost, or stolen.

Take me away,
to a place where skies are endless,
to where arms are at their warmest
and a smile can fix everything that's broken

I'm tired of this repetition
this endless expedition
into the darkness of one's heart
and how such a thing can lead to more

Take me away from such a world
where lovers hate each other
where families stab one another

Take me away,
to a place where one sleeps easy
a place where life is lived happy
and hands are used for holding things one love.

Please dear angel, dear star in hazy skies
heal the times long tarnished
by the fear and anger hate's brandished
and take me away from such a world

2010-01-03T17:36:00.001-08:00

Man, i have the worst acid reflux at the moment! It feels like my tummy is trying to eat itself! Dx

2010-01-01T09:12:00.001-08:00

Happy new year guys! <3<3<3

2009-12-30T07:31:00.001-08:00

FW:| Omg i can finally txt!<

Look at You

2009-11-12T20:18:00.001-08:00

Look at you,

vessel of unfounded love

a quirk of the lips

a shameless smile

and fingertips touching

through windowpanes of frosted

happy tears

a crinkle of eyes

a selfless word

and the sky falls around us

in shooting stars

as bright as the color under your hood.

Look at you,

tremulous world of unending warmth

a twitch of fingers

a soft caress

a melody of beating hearts

and an alchemy of laughter

in bursts of fluttering wings

as lovely as the smile under your hood.

Look at you,

carrier of a boundless heart

an upturned eye

outstretched arms

a smile to the sky

and you fly

into scattered winds

as soft as the voice uncovered

when you removed your hood.

a crinkle of the eyes

a quirk of the lips

and the sky wraps around us

in the drifting galaxies

as warm as your endless embrace.

I feel bad for not posting in a while... work is killing my brain cells.

2009-09-15T23:36:00.001-07:00

There she is standing with her back against a blank wall
Smiling with her heart held on her head like an apple waiting for the shot
she doesn't like wearing it out on her long sleeve
or looking down from dreams of castles made out of glass.

You've got to bring it down with one of cupid's arrows
or say a word that will wake her up again.
You've got to promise her with a smile of your own
Your boxed up heart held up to hers in red-white target

Take a breath and follow her into her dreams and stories.
Make a pact with endless skies to bring her back again and help her as
she takes Glasswing castles down from memories unwanted.
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against the slowly falling wall.

You can say she tries to fly with her feet still on the ground.

Let your crimson cupid's bow make honeyed arrows fly true.
Pierce the drying apple balanced on her head in one smooth blow.
Doesn't matter much if it hurts and turns into a bruise
as long as your there to promise with that smile of yours.

You've got to bring it down with one of cupids arrows
You've got to promise your heart to her glass made red-white castle.

Take a breath and follow her into her floating castles
Make a heart-felt promise with the soul inside her starlit eyes as
she takes Glasswing castles down from memories rewoven
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against the slowly falling wall.

Put your back up against the wall.
Lift your hands up towards the air.
Let your heart fall against hers in the chest between you.

Don't look down from both your dreams
keep on smiling towards each other.
hearts made of glass in dreams woven between your fingers .

Take a breath and follow her into her whispered wishes
Make a love-filled promise with the heart held in your hands as
she builds Glasswing castles up from memories unraveled
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against the climbing wall

Take a breath and follow her into her glass made castles
Make a paradise for you with both your dreams and stories
she builds Glasswing castles up from unraveled memories
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against eternal wall

You can say she's flying with her feet still touching ground.

Smiling with your hearts held on her head like an apple waiting for the shot.
She's not flying by herself anymore.

First Break from Work.

2009-07-23T23:34:00.001-07:00

That's right, my friends. For the past three day's I've been working my extra weight off in a kitchen... only to regain it once again during lunch. Just joking. These old people eat a lot healthier food than we do, and a lot better tasting than some of the stuff in high school cafeterias.

Anyway. Today was my first break of the week, Saturday being another one, and still I feel strange having an inconsecutive weekend.

But!~ This isn't a complaint! I think I like my job so far, though I feel extremely slow, in both mental and physical sense, compared to my fellow kitchen ladies. They tell me I'll soon start catching up to them, so I'm still optimistic. Besides, where else can I work where I don't have to take my own lunch? lol.

For tomorrow I have a ride, as well as Sunday, though for the other days I have to rely on the bus. It's a two hour trip, and then I have to wait two hours before my work actually starts (there's no later bus so I have to take that last one which takes me early) so in the end, I'm out of the house for around 9 to 11 hours, getting home exhausted, but feeling accomplished. I can't wait for my first paycheck. Straight to the bank it will go, taking out the money I'll need for the bus.

I'm hopeful that I'll stay at this job for a while, and that we might even move closer, however much i dislike the heat (it's a desert... almost).

In Which Job Opportunity, Here I come!

2009-06-27T07:18:00.001-07:00

As said in the title, I was gifted with a job opportunity last night by my uncle and his old coworker and friend. I have to say that I'm extremely excited about it. Despite it being very far away from where I live, it's still a job. I can always but a small car later, or if I get my way, a moped. Though I still have to learn how to drive one >.>

If I get it, I will be working in the kitchen of a convalescent home as a helper. I really do hope I get it. I've been aching for a job since I stopped working at Boething Nursery.

Wish me luck, guys!

In Which Boredom begins to Kill

2009-06-22T06:25:00.001-07:00

I am so.. BORED. It's only been two days and already I'm starting to get restless. Having a friend around helps a bit, but when we're each doing our own thing, the depression comes back.

I can't even write. I keep trying to go back to the Alchemist, but I end up daydreaming instead. It's also no help that one of my characters keeps getting thrust from his story and put up against random things like... video games, or comedy shows. The man is DARK, for the love of the Goddess! He'll never go into a comedy! The thought alone makes my spine writhe in horror.

Suffice to say that I despise crossovers in any of my fandoms. Even of my own characters.

Yes. the lack of stress makes me moody. Or maybe... I'm even MORE stressed because I have nothing to do. I feel like a crippled coonhound once having experienced the thrill of the hunt beside his master, and now confined to being a complacent housedog.

I think... I just called myself a Bitch. >.>

Anyway. I feel so out of place thinking that I'll never go to school again. Or... back to high school, anyway. I can only hope I get a job soon so I can start college. I really, really, REALLY need school. Actually, I think I might even end up a teacher. As bad as I am at public speaking, I feel the most comfortable in a classroom.

I might even find time to write when I'm not swamped with bratty kids' homework.

I have to say I LOVE classrooms.

Or maybe I'll become a librarian... Miels always did say that he could imagine me as a librarian. Though I think he meant for a whole other reason. Perv.

Sekshi Ribrarian! 8D

I've reverted to my 12 year old , OCD, ADD tendencies, it seems.

I actually woke up today at around 3 am and was too bored to go back to sleep. I don't know how that works, but eh... I guess I'm weird that way.

Well... I'm going to go back to reading fan-fiction and watching random anime. Perhaps something will inspire me to finish my own fan-fiction and continue the Alchemist.

And woah! I had no Idea I had so many watchers. It's kind of flattering actually, not to mention the reviews or remarks, or whatever they're called. Thanks guys for your support! Goddess knows how you guys can put up with me. ^_^

In Which... egh, i dont even know

2009-06-09T00:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a star appeared in your eyes
Only I could see it
Only I can still
hear your voice calling out
within my heart for the other half of you

Yesterday the clouds covered up your heart
Only I could feel it
Only I can still
see it beating within my own ever time

Spanning distance, 'cross all time
through the armor of our bodies
inside mine.
My soul awaits your company
yours awaits mine.

Yesterday I heard a whisper in your ear
that you didn't hear
that you can still
not understand my voice
calling out for your other half of me

Yesterday a rainbow crossed my pathway
You couldnt see it
You still can't
see my face within the crowd
of our mortality.

Spanning distance, 'cross all time
through the armor of our bodies
inside mine.
My soul awaits your company
yours awaits mine.

Our hands reaching out to empty space
searching for the other half of
Something we can't touch
through the armor of our bodies.

Yesterday I saw a flower fall on stone
Only I could see it
Only I can still
see your name engraved on my heart
calling out for my other half of you.

ahaha~ depression continues! >..> this is what i do when im depressed. Make fun of myself and write poetry. Add me to the Emo List. -_-

In Which, Can you?

2009-06-03T21:27:00.001-07:00

Can you hear
Those words are hesitant and
softly sing to me?

Despite their volume
They stay behind and hide amongst
surface scattered notes
that forget them.

Can you see
those smiles are broken and entice
attention from you?

Despite their weakness
There's no look back and plead for
compassion in return
for the virtue

Busy nights are etched across them.
broken letters that don't scar
the surface of star cut eyes
and indecisive moments
that forget them.

Can you feel
the heavy shackles wrapped around
those all too thin hands?

Despite their burden
they keep on playing softly
surface scattered notes
that forget them.

Can you love
the treated heart and soul that
needs compassion?

If you say you will
There's no look back and regret
to inform the bound up heart
that there's no song
to sing.

Eh... I feel under appreciated lately. Completely useless and alone... and what's worse is I don't even feel like talking to anybody. I want to talk, but then i get moody and it just makes things awkward, so I'd rather not.

Soon I'll be able to move on, I hope, and find my way. Because I'm lost and can't seem to think much about anything except the dead end I have just walked into. Sometimes, epiphanies aren't always a good thing. I somehow wish I had stayed oblivious to what I know feel... But anyway... I hope you like the poem.

Group Photo 2009!

2009-05-27T20:42:00.001-07:00

And this year, more people for the group photo!

View Full Album

And Presenting...

The EPIC SHOT 2009!

In Which

2009-05-25T13:03:00.001-07:00

I closed my eyes so I could see your smile
and the memory of your laugh was like a warm breeze
that swept away my melancholy.
I remember you, traveler.
You took my heart to another world
and gave me nothing
but a kiss in return

~~~~

I've tasted the forbidden fruit
my sin
letting go a comfortable life in order to feast
on the sweet nectar
of my dreams

In Which BEETRAIN Is Awesome once more!

2009-05-03T03:05:00.000-07:00

As I said above, Beetrain, the animation studio, has once again outdone itself with "Phantom: Requiem for a Phantom! The animation is amazing, and the music is... to cry for. XDD I've always liked this studio's anime, and I have high hopes for this one. Go BEETRAIN!

In Which… Today is my 19th Birthday!

2009-04-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know I celebrated it earlier, but now I am officially 19! Not a big thing in milestones, but still only two more years until i ca legally buy Kahlua and my own cooking wine!

*punches air happily*

.... that's all i really had to say ^w^;

In Which, OMG a xxxHolic OVA!?

2009-04-26T15:44:00.001-07:00

Like I said, Clamp has decided to make the xxxHolic OVA! Now this has been circulating around since TRC: Tokyo Revelations came out, but finally the first episode has come out! A change from the anime, they decided to add the crossovers from TRC, which is awesome, and the animation itself is only getting better. I love the background music, as always because it doesn't distract from the action, and especially the soft scenes. The music always makes me slightly emotional, but hey, its Clamp. Everything about their stuff makes me over emotional XDD.

So here it is, the first Episode of xxxHolic: Shunmuki!

In Which Finally! Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood!

2009-04-26T15:33:00.001-07:00

After what feels like years of nostalgia and wishful thinking, finally, it has returned!

Link to first episode:

http://www4.funimation.com/video/?page=video&v=1832

When I first heard about a second season of Fullmetal Achemist, I thought it could be nothing but a bunch of rumors stirred up by otaku nerds who hadn’t had enough of the epic-ness that was FMA (though I have to say, one can never really have enough of that epic-ness)

Anyway, The first episode of FMA was AWESOME! There was no dragging along to re introduce old characters, and the action was epic as always. Not only that, but YUI sings the OP! *fangirl squeal*

By the time I get this post up, there will probably already be more than the first episode up, and... I will have watched them. 'll try to keep updated on the episodes, but I'll no doubt be busy with other things (like my life) to blog.

Taft L' Atelier Fashion Show

2009-04-21T17:10:00.001-07:00

The Annual Taft Fashion Show, featuring Taft's very own student designers and their wonderful lines of clothing. The Theme of this year's fashion show was history, ranging from the "300" line of ancient Greece and the Hippy styles! <3

View Full Album

Birthday Party!

2009-04-19T18:46:00.001-07:00

Yes, yes, I know my birthday is not until ten days, but I had my party yesterday. It was extremely fun! My friends, family and I ate at a Shabu Shabu restaurant, which is kind of like Korean barbeque, but instead of a grill, one has a hot-pot of "soup" in front of them where you cook the food yourself.

After lunch, my uncle was able to drop us off at Little Tokyo where we practically spent the whole day just wandering. I got $40 from Rana, which I had been hoping to spend on just clothes, but I ended up buying a Deathnote, a Gaara plushie, and black leggings. All in all, despite being a little regretful of buying the Deathnote, I'm very happy with my whole time yesterday~

This here's the vids I took of us having fun before getting too occupied actually having fun to record it.

View Full Album

Also, the photo album of awesomeness!

RAIN Vs. Colbert!

2009-04-10T14:56:00.001-07:00

And Just when I thought Rain couldn’t get any hotter, or Stephen Colbert any funnier, they go ahead and pull a fast one one me!

Thanks Lillian!

In Which, Over and Over.

2009-04-06T01:33:00.001-07:00

The stars are beautiful. That is the first thought that passes through her mind as she lays on the hard, blood-soaked ground. Little pin pricks of light in the sky that twinkled down at them. Those stars that smile at them from the heavens even when they are in the midst of their own heated battles.

She can hear the bombs going off around her, the showers of dirt, and blood, and faces that red eyes can see against the now dark, crystalline clear sky. It is almost ethereal to her, as she lays there, how the sky could look so calm when around her people are dying.

Her fingers brush against another's and she turns her head to the side only to see that those fingers have no owner.

She is sick then.

Despite not having eaten anything for two days, she empties her stomach onto the ground beside her face, not caring if it gets into her hair, or her ear, or if she chokes on it for that matter.

"Why are we not dead yet?" she asks the one who has fallen on her in their battle. Her voice is ragged and weak, as if she has sung nonstop for days without rest. It seems more like she's musing on a philosophy more than asking him a question, though. After all, it is his own knife embedded right below her heart.

For all she knows, they are already dead. She can't feel anything but the hard ground against her winged back and his weight on her.

And she just wishes she could reach up and wrap her hand around one of those stars. Perhaps give it to the person on top of her, because-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If I could give you the moon and sky I would, just don't go- Beside her, another dies, and she wonders... why are we not dead yet? They should be dead. She should be dead, though she wishes they didn't have to die. If anything, she wishes she could have just knocked him out and ran away with him until he regained his senses. Regained his sanity. She didn't care if he is never able to see her again as long as he can hold her hand...

"Why are we not dead yet?" she sobs.

He tries to stand, to roll off her, anything to see her face better. He has forgotten he is already blind. "Does it matter?" he rasps.

"The stars are beautiful." that was the first thing that passes through his lips as they sit on the roof of the temple, "Like little diamonds of light that shine down on us." He looks up at the older girl beside him, and smiles. The moonlight and starlight reflect off her hair and the inky black wings she has finally shown him.

At first when he saw him, he almost lost it. That blackness reminded him of that shadow that had killed his mother. But it could never have been her. Despite the constant scowl on her face, he knows she would never do something like that.

"Why don't you smile a little?" he suggests. After all, they weren't on a mission. There was no reason for her to steel herself against emotions when all they were doing was sitting and looking up at the stars.

Sometimes he wishes he could reach up at them and pluck one out of the sky. Perhaps give it to her just to see one little smile. Because he's sure she would be even more of a wonder if those downturned lips quirked up even a centimeter.

She only looks down at him with a blank stare, light brown eyes seeming to shine in the light. Perhaps they did shine. Cat's eyes shined because they could see in the dark, so therefore her eyes probably shined too. And they shined even brighter when they bled crimson, her face contorting into a wild snarl and her teeth seeming to elongate like a demon's. Well...she is a demon, if he thought about it. But now, her eyes are brown, and she looks down at him with a look of utter blank bafflement.

"There's no reason to smile." she replies, "God has forgotten us, his people want to kill us, and for what? Because of an ancient battle against his son? The war's still going on, and it will break soon, this peace that we're trying to keep by hiding any knowledge of our whereabouts. Whether it's in days or years, We're going to have to go to war again. Now tell me why I should smile?" But at the look he gives her, she sighs, and her lips quirk up just a centimeter.

He chuckles and scoots closer to her, brushing back a strand of black hair and kissing her cheek, "See? That wasn't so bad, now was it?

He is answered with a snort and an elbow to the gut. He only laughs.

He is blind. She can tell by the way black covers his eyes, and how he isn't facing her as he speaks.

"I won't let you live another day, demon." he hisses, sweeping his hand in her direction. She is hit with a wall of energy, and doubles over, gasping for breath. "You're nothing but the devil's spawn, an unholy thing! You made my whole life miserable!" another wave, and all she can do is step back, her heart beating loudly in her chest. It is the only thing she can hear now.

"I'll kill you!" he roars.

And this time she does move. She un straps the cloth around her hand, and the fire unleashes itself, surrounding the both of them. She can see nothing beyond the flames, hear nothing beside the beating of her heart, and her eyes are frozen on the man before her. There is nothing but the both of them. Her eyes bleed crimson, and she give him a grim smile. He can't see it anyway.

"I'm already dead."

Sometimes, she can imagine a place without such an inner war. Where the sky being crystalline clear was not such a disturbing thought, and she can smile freely without feeling like a hypocrite. It always makes her wonder why she hates herself so much, why she is so full of such dark emotions.

He sit on the swing next to her, a worried look on his face, "What happened this time?" he asks softly.

She just shrugs, the scowl on her face deepening. She can't tell him. She can't say that she tried to poison that man again. He would only think less of her.

Every time he tries to help her, she wishes he didn't. She doesn't deserve it. She's already damned anyway."I...just hate him." she finally growls, pushing her feet on the ground so that she swings back a little. "I hate him so much...I wish...I wish I could just k-"

"Don't." he interrupts her, reaching out to touch her head, "Don't think things like that. He is not worthy of you thinking so much bad things.."

He sounds so old to her when he speaks like that. His accent becomes prominent, as if he hadn't been born and raised here. It must be because of his mother, and the fact that she schooled him. She looks up at him, grimacing at the soft way he looks at her. She doesn't deserve such tenderness. With a disdainful snort, she ducks her head out from under his hand, then mellows out again and looks up at the sky.

The stars are beautiful. Sometimes she wishes they could reach up at them, and pull one out of the sky. Perhaps give it to him as payment for being so kind to her.

"Why do I get the feeling that we've hurt each other before?" she asks in a moment of vulnerability. Somehow... she is able to ask the strangest questions, and he never laughs.

He hums softly, as if contemplating the question. For all she knows, he probably doesn't take her as seriously as he seems to. But she doesn't care, as long as he acts like he does. "Perhaps we have. In another life somewhere up there in one of those stars you're looking at."

She snorts again, "Stupid... You always say stupid things like that." It hurt. How he always seemed to be trying to help her, trying to save her from herself when she had done nothing for him. It's almost felt like he was making up for something he had done, and using her as penance. It's almost like he's blind, only unlike other people who are blinded by her faults to anything else, he can't see her faults. "There's no such thing as past lives."

"Suppose you're right." he chuckles, then stiffens at the sound of a car driving up one of the trailer driveways. He turns to her with a forced smile, "You should go home before your mother gets worried."

She glares, "You mean before the bastard gets home?"

"Yeah..."

"...Fine" The swing squeaks as they stand up, and suddenly they can hear the crickets around them, the sound of someone cooking in one of the trailers nearby. Someone watching T.V. in another. It had been like there was only the two of them... until now.

He smiles at her ad ruffles her hair, then points behind her, "Look!"

She does, and he steals a kiss on her cheek, laughing as she growls, "You're such an idiot!"

He walks her to her trailer, where he left his bike against the tree, and picks it up. "I'll come back tomorrow. Maybe we help you with your math homework."He reassures, though he looks up at the light coming from the window and frowns a little, "You know you can call me if anything happens, right?"

She shrugs, rolling her eyes, "Yeah."

He looks at her one more time, before mounting his bike, and she stands there, watching as he pedals away. Once she can no longer see him, she finally feels the way her eyes are burning, and she scowls.

She isn't crying. She hasn't cried in years. Even when that man hit her, or when that man tried to force himself on her, making her remember when someone HAD forced himself on her. Well, force couldn't really be said. She hadn't said no. She hadn't really known what was going on, much less that it was something bad. She could barely remember anything anyway, except for the sight of him on top of her, and the sound of the shower in the next room.

She hadn't cried.

So why did she want to cry now?

They are dying. She can feel the shortness of breath, and she still has the mindset to realize that she can't feel anything below her waist anymore. But...

"It hurts." she whispers. Her front is now completely soaked with his blood. and she tries to move her head only to see him a little bit, "Does it hurt you?" she asks softly, trying to lift her hand so she can brush away the pieces of dirt in his hair, but it's like lead and she can barely move a finger. Her other hand is already out, only a small dying flaming stump on her wrist.

He tries to chuckle, but it only comes out as a raspy wet gurgle, "I can't feel much of anything anymore." he says back. A small breath, and he kisses the only part of her he can reach; her shoulder, "I wish... I should have forgotten all that stupid vengeance, all of that man's lies. It wasn't your fault."

She's crying this time. She hasn't cried in years. Even when her hand was cut off, or when she saw her mother killed. She hadn't cried.

"This is all so fucked up." she chokes. And she can barely think anymore, all she can see is the stars in the sky, surrounded by the inky blackness. And then she can't hear him anymore, can't hear his heart beating against hers, can't feel his weight. She closes her eyes, and all she can see is the is the stars in the sky.

The phone falls out of her hand at the other's words.

There's no way. Her heart feels like it has stopped in her chest, and she can barely feel anything from the waist down. He couldn't... There was no way that he could leave her like this!

And then she's angry. So stupid! Who in their right mind does something so obviously stupid like that!? He was always doing stupid things like that! She can hear the sounds of her family eating in the other room, and she lets her body slowly lower onto the floor. "This is all so fucked up!" she whispers into her hands, and somehow, she feels as if she's said this before. Beside her, the phone has hung up on the other line, the dial tone faintly reaching her ears. She wishes she was deaf so she would never have to hear such a sound again. Like the sound of flatline on an ECG machine in an E.R. show.

Brown eyes look up and out the widow, at the crystalline clear sky, and she almost curses at it. It is almost like taunt to her, how the sky can look so calm when people she loves are dying. She feels sick then, ad she practically scrambles to the bathroom to empty her stomach. She wishes she hadn't eaten before answering the call because it's the most horrible feeling, having a full stomach being abruptly emptied into a toilet bowl. Makes her picture someone being disemboweled. She's sick again.

It hurts.

She lays in her bed, looking out the window and up at the crystalline clear sky. "The stars are beautiful" she whispers to herself. Like little pin pricks of light. And she lifts her hand, imagining herself plucking one right out of the sky and holding it in her hand. She can just imagine the warmth of it as it lay in her palm, like a butterfly made of heated light fluttering in her grasp, only to die out in a flash.

She isn't crying, though. She hasn't cried in years. Even when she feels terrible about yelling at someone, or even thinking about yelling at someone, knowing that it's her, not them who has the problem. She doesn't cry.

All she can do is look up at the sky with eyes bleeding into crimson as he holds the tears back, her teeth feeling sharp against her lip as she bites herself and remembers the words she wished she had said five years ago. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If I could give you the moon and sky I would, just don't go.

It hurts.

But she only smiles bitterly.

In Which..Once again, Colorgenics Test

2009-03-29T22:25:00.000-07:00

Name: Vivi
Date: 3/30/2009
Colorgenics Number: 73205164

Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.

You are a fighter and always on the defensive. You always need to be sure that your position is safe and established. When you finally make a decision you will pursue it to the bitter end in spite of all opposition.

You feel very lonely and frustrated at this time but your shyness and modesty precludes you from establishing any deep form of relationship. You feel rather isolated and alone. You are egocentric and you believe that you are always right - well maybe you are - but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

And once again, the test has dysmal results. Smile and the world smiles with you? Umm... right. Fudge that, I'd rather go out for some ramen.. >.>

In Which I go to a BoA Concert!!

2009-03-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

Saturday was AWESOME!! JUst as the title states, I went to a free BoA mini-concert at Universal Studios! I was ale to get some good footage from where we were; on the balcony.

Plus after the rehearsal, I was able to take a bunch of good pics up close... or as close as i could get... >..> Which was still pretty close XDD

In which I gave you my wings... Dialogue of a Tearful Butterfly and its Beloved Boy

2009-03-18T06:57:00.001-07:00

Iridescent eyes looked into black, and a small smile appeared on his face.

“I don’t want to be selfish.” he whispered, his voice as soft ad quiet as a gentle breeze, “But… I’ve always wanted you to see only me.”

“Let go of your ambitions, forget about your past
and look at only me until I die.
I promise it won’t be too long,
remember butterflies only live for a few days.”

A silence followed, and he looked away, “I am… a terrible person, to ask for such a thing. That thing which you aim, it’s important, right? And here I am, life after life, distracting you from it. But…” He looked back up at the other boy, eyes desperate and filled with a love and longing that spanned lifetimes, “You are not happy like this! Every time, every time I look for you, you’re not happy.

“And when you see me and I touch your face you smile! How could that be a lie in my eyes!? I gave you my wings, and I’ll give them again only to see you smile! Just say you love me! Say you love me and I will be yours again…”

He became quiet, and his thinning hands clasped the boy’s strong ones, “If I have to wait another lifetime to feel your love again, I will.” the butterfly whispered, bringing their hands up to his lips and kissing the beloved fingers.

He was becoming thin, though. His life and colors becoming grayer and grayer, blending into the black and white background of the forgotten valley.

“I want to wait, and my heart wants to wait, but my soul… “ And he couldn't say it. His soul would shatter after so much use. After so many rejections.

“What would you do?” he asked softly, brokenly, “With such a love, do you think I should give you up? I want to see the butterflies only with you..”

The boy only took his hands away, despite the pulling in his heart, how he wanted to take the other in his arms and never let him go. It was still too confusing, how anybody could have a love so strong as the person before him. It was almost transcendent. and damning at the same time.

Finally, he looked at the one before him, black eyes meeting eyes as dusty ad colorful as a dragonfly’s wings, or a butterflies, “I have a mission that even love cant hinder.” he said, and his heart almost bled at the look on the other’s face. A mixture of aguish and love, and all kinds of emotions that a mere boy could never understand, all hidden behind a smile.

“Is love not your mission?” the butterfly asked softly.

“No.” He replied. Short and to the point. He didn't think he would be able to say anything else. Not with that look on the others face, the now closed expression in his eyes. But he continued, knowing he was right, but hating himself for every word. Why could the other not understand!? “You have wasted your time, searching for something that doesn't exist.”

The butterfly’s lips only curled into a sad smile, almost bitter, but too sweet and in love to be anything but understanding, “It’s not wasted time… not when it was with you.“ Colorful eyes watched as his boy walked away.

“At least… I did get to see you one last time. And…”

A cough erupted from his mouth, and he covered his lips with one hand, hiding the foamy blood that began to gather from his lungs.

The boy didn't notice, and kept walking. All the butterfly could do was watch sadly and lovingly as the most beloved in his heart walked away once more. just like every other lifetime, each and every one.

“Goodbye…”

And the butterfly fell from the sky.

Wow, deppressingness. This is actually not a scene i was planning to put into the story I began writing. The story itself is very depressing, and as hinted above, the boy leaves the butterfly, and the butterfly dies. Very depressing, but what can i say? I’m a very depressing person. Anyway… After writing this, I might just decide to put it in… Depends…

Can anyone guess which character was modeled after me? X3

Bet you can’t~

In Which…

2009-03-14T23:47:00.000-07:00

I saw your smile across the street
against the fog of my mind, a sweet
and unbroken chain of mine
that all consumed this heart.
And it wasn't for me,
but I don't care, it’s a start.

I can’t hear you,
Speak louder!
I’m trying to chase you down that road
I’m trying to reach you
let me touch you
with these scarred but unbroken hands

I see those eyes inside my dreams
clouds brimming full of screams
that echo, inside my mind
and I lean back against the rooftop wall
as i listen to your all
consuming pain
and shame, inside your hands

I see those smiles across the room
glass shattering onto the ground
and you keep walking against the wind
I can save you

Like you saved me.

I can’t hear you,
Please Speak louder!
I’m trying to chase you down that road
I’m trying to reach you
let me touch you
with these scarred but unbroken hands.

I’ll reach you through chain link fences
and whispers passed through halls.
I have my hand over my heart
a prayer upon my lips.

And again.

I can’t hear you,
Speak louder!
I’m trying to chase you down that road
I’m trying to reach you
let me touch you
with these scarred but unbroken hands.

Can you hear me?
I’ll speak louder!
as I chase you down that road!
You can keep on running, but i know
that one day you’ll reach a dead end
and we’ll be able to touch
with these scarred but unbroken hands.

In Which Absolute Freedom! I have my own computer!!

2009-03-11T16:15:00.000-07:00

Anyway~ My mom bought me my own pc! See, our computer had died from overuse, and before, I was hoping that we could just get it fixed so that we could finally use it. Unfortunately, it turns out that the whole hard disk fried and it would have cost a lot to get the OS disk. So in the end she bought a new computer.

The great thing, though, was that she decided to buy me a computer too! Since we were always fighting for use of the old one, I guess that’s why it died, since it was almost never off. So now I have my own pc that i ca start using the minute i get home, and its sooooo cool!

Unfortunately, the monitor doesnt have speakers, but what he heck, my OWN PC!! Ill be getting speakers soon anyway, so right on!

In Which I am My Favorite Tea

2009-02-17T09:54:00.000-08:00

You Are Black Tea

You have a bold personality. You're not afraid of simply being yourself.

You have the courage to speak the truth. You are fearless in your actions.

You come off as a bit intimidating and unapproachable. Only confident people are attracted to you.

You don't try to scare off anyone. You're just an intense person!

What Kind of Tea Are You?

In Which…

2009-02-10T22:03:00.001-08:00

Hold these wings softly
they break ever so easily.
Tell me you love me
tell me you care
tell me the future isn’t so bare.
I think that they’re failing
from so highly flying.
It’s the only things
I ever see in my dreams
the things I can never be
that angels will only see
these butterfly wings are too frail
to get there.
Tell me you love me
tell me you care
tell me the future isn’t so bare
and hold me until I can reach heaven

In Which, Happiness! I Went to Little Tokyo~

2009-02-10T06:26:00.001-08:00

As said in the title, I went to Little Tokyo yesterday. It was raining, and of course we got wet (i went with my friends Julie and Sara) But we had so much fun! First of all, I was able to get the school supplies I needed. I bought new colored pencils, because despite how much i loved my woodless pencils, I admit it was pretty stupid of me to think they would last in my backpack T-T . Also I Finally found Brace Story! (Happy Dance) While my mom was angry at me for spending money on something ‘useless’(LIES~ no book is useless!) I am still thrilled to finally find the beautiful hardback copy of the book I’ve been wanting to read for a two whole years!

Well. in the end, the food was more expensive than the stuff we bought, in my opinion, but we were happy. We ate mochi ice cream (which Juju LOVES now) and karaage (which Juju and I LOVE) and ramen… which wasn’t that good (BLASPHEMY). I was also able to find some makeup in the 99 cents store >.> (some people may want to kill me, but this stuff actually works on my cheapo face XD. Anyway, I have to go to school in.. 2 minutes, so this post is done!

In Which Stress About My Future...

2009-02-04T22:28:00.000-08:00

There's only one thing I want to say at the beginning of this Post: I HATE the government. Either that or the government hates me. I thin kit's the latter, because If it was nice to me, I wouldnt have much problems with it.

First of all, Fafsa is screwing with me. Ive been trying to apply to the damn thing so i can go to college, because God knows, I have no money to pay for it myself, but it just WONT cooperate! Not only that, but I had printed seven pages of Fafsa information only to find that it was useless since ir hadn't been confirmed! ARGH!!

Second of all, this whole government screwing me over doesnt end there! Oh no, they intend to make my life adequately miserable even through my last year of high school. It's like they're trting to remind me that I'm still a poor loser and arent going anywhere. Damn them. Anyway... In this version of screwing me over is: I dont get lunch tickets anymore! I have no money to buy food to eat at home, and now I can't even eat at school! They say it's because I dont have medical, but seriously..

And this all ties in to how this affects me emotionally as well as financially. First of all, tthe whole thing could have been evaded if my grandma had just signed a letter saying my mother and I were dependent on her, but she always refused. For a whole year we tried to persuade her, but she would just sit there and stare at the paper and get angry, saying we wanted to steal her money or some shit like that. In the end she finally signed the damn letter but iwas already too late and we were refused! So we werent given medical, and we werent given foodstamps or WIC despite my kid brother still being 3 at the time.

During this time I had a stable job, and i was being driven there by my uncle. It payed minumum wage for hard labor (plant nursery) but it was worth it to have my own money, you know. Anyway...The place was very far from where i live and it took two hours to get there by bus, so i asked my uncle to take me. After a few months and once I had started schol, I had to reduce my hours, and then my uncle decided that he want going to drive me anymore. Thanks a lot, blood relation. In the end I had to quit before I got fired, and I was very sad to go because I liked it there. But now the whole thing is that my uncle is always telling me I'm lazy because I have no job. Bub, thanks to who? Not only that but it's nea impossible to get hired at the very moment because of the stupid recession.

So here I am today, trying to fill out this fafsa and am so stressed out I start arguing with my computer screen and my uncle gets angry. So then i tell him the govt. is screwing with me because of not inly this but, also the lunch tickets. Of course, 'concerned' with my welfare he asks why. As if he didnt know. So then my mim mentions about the gran not signing the acursed letter, and he has the gall to get angry, saying im lazy and never do anything. Thanks a lot. really. Im so glad for his support. So the three of us, My mom, my uncle, and me get into a screaming match about who's fault it is, but you know what? I dont really CARE. All I care about is that, goddammit I want to go to college and without the damn fafsa i cant do anything!

In Which I Discover I Need PSychological Help, ANYlogical Help....

2009-02-01T03:41:00.000-08:00

After re-reading some IM messages I sent to a friend... I realized that I'm crazy, and may need a shrink... Though the problem we have with money doesn't really make that an option. Im just a depressed, sad, angry person...

The whole conversation started with how I was worried about a story I was hoping to co-publish with someone, and after i had pissed another friend off with my hateful attitude. Me? Hateful? Surely you are joking! Well, believe it or not... I am *sarcasm flowing like the Niagara Falls...*

Anyway... here goes:

all of [my stories] are important to me... they represent a stage of my life...

when i was religious,,, the sci fi story about a boy messiah saving us from weird aliens and his "apostles" which were a group of teenagers possessed by the spirits of alien angels... >.> sounds kinda stupid... but its sort of connected to my Lillith's daughter story...

the one where i defy monotheistic religion in favour of chaotic paganism...

then theres the one i turned into rp.. The Fever, in which i "channeled" my feelings of being left abandoned by my mom when she married her husband despite my warnings

hmmm, what else... th butterflies one, where i felt that my life was a cycle of neverending sacrifice for someone tht i loved, when the person would just forget me after i "disappeared" and how [my boyfriend] tried to "save" me from my depression like Micah saved Lonan,, only to end up dying at the end because of Lonan/my rejection

... all my stories cme from something so depressing...what else am i writing >.>

My Friend: you need to watch some happy stuff

...i know.. but watching and doing is a completely different thing, [censored by Vivi]. And for a long time, the depressing part has overshadowed most of my happy stuff.. either that... or im sick... but it certainly cant help that my mom's always yelling at me that im too depressed and bitchy and lazy and whiney and,,,, just bad...i should go see a shrink or something... but in the end they never help and its a waist of money...

the better ones are more expensive... an medical dont cover therapy unless its SERIOUS.. like endangering others kind of behaviour...

im a piece of work, arent i?

i wonder why people even like me... or do they even? and if they don't then why dont they tell me to just leave them the hell alone, like i would? ... and even of they do like me, once they get to know me they find me unlikeable, stupid, stubborn, depressing and just plain rude... though i know i cant really be rude... unless i dislike the person, and even then i'm too cowardly to be so bold to their face...

and yet I complain about speaking behind a person's back, which makes me a hypocrite, doesnt it? And although it's a small comfort to say that animals seem to like me, Loki is the only animal ive ever had for sch a long period of time...

[that post is censored, because it even scared me a little, now that i read it... dont even ask, as most people wll get a half-assed story about whatever comes to mind at the shortest amount of time...]

i dont KNOW why[im putting myself down!] ...perhaps because so many people have put me down already that is the only thing i know how to do honestly? even when i compliment people it's backhanded or sarcastic... im bitchy to everyone and bitchy to myself... what i dont understand is how i was HOMOcidal instead of SUIcidal when i was in middle school.. i was a pretty smart kid... i could have figured out sooner that the one with the problem was me ....
i just wish i could meet someone selfless that didnt DIE... then i would have a little bit to brighten up for... >.>

My Friend (bless her heart *no sarcasm whatsoever, surprisingly*):
you cant just hope for that you have to try to do something to make things better and not hope for someone else too

and another who says the same thing... although i hypocritically say it myself at times, we all know that it isnt true.. We all need something to look forward to, something that will save us, as [my late boyfriend's twin brother... yeah.. said boyfriend is dead...] told me once on more or less words... most likely less, since he never talked and therefore i probably interpreted it form a look he gave me when i was acting extremey pitiful. and since i KNOW that that will never happen again... it just makes me all the more cynical. I KNow I have to work for everything. I KNow that im on my own. I KNow that everything i say and do may seem like somethine a bitter old woman would compare to, but... sometimes i think the saving happened at the wrong time...

either that or im just hopeless and all the sacrifices made by people around me, FOR me, are rendered null and void by my thoughtless... or OVERthoughtful actions...

OR... im just making this up as i go, and [my boyfriend] was never real, and i was just using the persona of three imaginary friends to fill my loneliness... and maybe, None of the friends from Indiana are real.. and maybe i never even LIVED in Indiana, or Indiana as a figment of my imagination and that state doesnt even exist...

therefore making this conversation completely irrelevent in the schem of your life and my life... and perhaps i am just a figment of YOUR imagination,.. or vice versa...

and... fuck... nevermind... i am rendered speechless by my stupidity

which as i type makes it Ironic, because i have just SPOKEN, that i am speechless, making me a liar.. and in which you should never trust me again, because if i ever told someone i loved them, then how would they know, since i am a liar, that i am sincere.. and SINCE I just calle myself a liar, than doesnt that erase the FACT that im a liar, sinc a liar cant be trusted and therefore my statement of being a liar should be dismissed, making me HONEST...

-_-...someone shoot me...

My Friend: no

of course not, that would only be granting me a boon, which most certainly isnt on the top of ANYONES list, least of all mine. what I meant was figurative, not literary... and wthf am i saying

maybe its because im tired.. but then since im tured all my inhibitions are let loose and people see what kind of person I really am... or maybe im just cranky... but im never so coherent when i am well rested... if you can call this coherent... perhaps you can call it...

actually i forget the word for the way im typing.. and oddly, I;m speaking alod as i write... or perhaps im not, because if i was my mom would wake up..

and i certainly do NOT want that,, no no, especially if im being so.. how do you say.. annoying, but in another form,... i dont want to be kicked out of the computer just yet...

The conversation died at exactly that point, when i realized i had probably driven my OWN friend mad, meanwhile not even releasing a small percentage of my frustrations... guess the only ones who can take me are the ones who die quick. I guess theyre better off that way. I mean who wants to live hearing my depressing voice when they forget to not remember?

Most of my friend's posts were not put here, since they are... somewhat short, and despite the horrifyingly bad grammar in my IM-ing, I was too lazy to proofread most of it... i just replaced names and stuff...

Wow... I really am a piece of work...

In Which ZOMG! OBAMA~~

2009-01-22T21:49:00.000-08:00

I am so excited about Obama being President now. It seemed only like a dream even when he was President Elect, but now that he's actually in office... I'm giddy!

Mr. President, this annoying, Pagan, Hispanic Vivi, wishes you the best of luck and support all around you in your next four years of being in office~~<3

In Which I Post up Picture Day from Last Year

2009-01-09T09:22:00.000-08:00

What can I say? That day will forever be ingrained into my memory.

Why so sad? Lets put a smile on that face! lol

come on people i want a picture!

GO KYLE! BUT I STILL WANT THAT PICTURE!

Oi... listen to me...

Come on guys! PHOTO TIME!

hahaha

wait... Jane what are you DOING!?

and TADA! The EPIC SHOT!

In Which I Take The ColorGenics Test...

2009-01-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

Vivi's Results: (how utterly eerie)

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

Now there are many things in life that you require as essential to your well-being but, try as you may, something always seems to be getting in your way. A word of advice - 'keep trying' and you may be pleasantly surprised to see just how matters turn out.

You wear your heart on your sleeve and since you are an emotional person you are apt to give your all - heart and soul - to all those that show you a little affection; but take care - it would appear that you have been extremely hurt in the past and you keep leaving yourself wide open for punishment.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.

In Which I Ask Myself, Why Am I Depressed? I talk to the one I love

2009-01-06T10:04:00.001-08:00

There should be no reason as to why I have started becoming depressed. It angers me, that horrible empty feeling in my chest, the way my throat seems to collapse into my lungs. It makes me feel sick. And then the hopelessness... the thoughts: Worthless, Hopeless, Cold-hearted Bitch.

Only serving to remind me what a spoiled person I am. What reason do I have to pity myself? My life is nothing compared to other people. I have a family, a person who loved me, and yet I throw it all away for self pity, self hatred.

And perhaps I am the selfish little worm that they seem so keen on calling me, eh, M? Who are you to say I am a loving and gentle person when all I have showed you are my sneers and and the threat of the back of my hand? You are a fool. And I am a fool for having lost you in the midst of my idiotic anger. My misunderstanding of you trying to help me. And now all I have is the fading memory of everything we all used to do those few years we were together. As friends. As a brother and sister to me, and you.. Damn your kindness.

Why did you have to go and clean all the cobwebs from around my mind and oil my heart so that it worked? You know I was perfectly content to let them sit in a shelf for the rest of my life, completely unused until I died. Now that they work, my memories and emotions...

You know what, M? Enough of this. Let me quit you!But even though I try to walk away, there is the weight of you memories tied to my fingers. Even when I write I see you in the letters, hear you in the lyrics of totally irrelevant songs. Who could know that I'm too Sexy for my shirt would have me remember the way you laughed... much more that I never really gave you reason to laugh. What the hell was your problem, to say you loved a wholly unattractive unsociable unsympathetic person like me? God, I threatened to maim you so many times that even I would have maimed myself from frustration.

And how I thwart myself in all emotional senses. How I wish I could meet you again. Some way. And yet I know if that ever be the case I would ultimately spurn you all over again. Why? Maybe because I'm an idiot that way, despite wishing you could hug me all over again, or even hold my had for a little while... I guess I'm just too afraid to admit it.

"Ah!", you may say if you were alive, "but you have just admitted it, mon amour." and then I'd get pissed, cuz you know how I hate to be wrong, right? And in the end, you died, and I ended up alone again, with people i should trust but wont let myself. Because nobody takes me as seriously as you did, because to everybody I'm just funny cheerful, Vivi. The girl who hates her own race, she who's nice to people when she feels like it, the artist, the writer. And thats the way that ot's been since you died.

So now I wait for the moment when another person will reach in to find the lobster, eh M? remember the lobster? It has a hard shell on the outside, but is soft and liquidy inside. Crack that lobster to find that maybe im just a depressed, angry person that people take for granted as that annoying person who just wont stop talking! One day maybe I'll have the chance to be you, and then Ill know how much I made you suffer with my anger and selfishness, but for now I can only wish beyond hope that I'll find you again. If only in my memories.

In Which I have No Idea What a Dosha is...

2009-01-03T08:47:00.001-08:00

Your Dosha is Pitta

You have a quick mind, a gift for persuasion, and a sharp sense of humor.

You have both the drive and people skills to be a very successful leader.

Argumentative and a bit stubborn, you have been known to be a little too set in your ways.

But while you may be biased toward your own point of view, you are always honest, fair, and ethical.

With friends: You are outgoing and open to anyone who might want to talk to you

In love: You are picky but passionate

To achieve more balance: Be less judgmental of those around you, and take cool walks in the moonlight.

What's Your Dosha?

In Which I Became a Cat.

2009-01-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

You Are a Ragdoll Cat

You are extremely cute and cuddly. You are downright adorable.

Your personality matches your exterior. You are very laid back and sweet.

You don't really like the outdoors. You prefer to stay inside where it's cozy.

Luckily, you are the perfect houseguest. You are polite and obedient.

What Breed of Cat Are You?

In Which I write My New Year's Resolution

2008-12-31T03:35:00.000-08:00

Its the dawn of a new era... the rise of a new age... and... the beginning of another grueling attempt to survive all that life throws at me.

Resolution #1: Lose ten pounds per month until I only weigh 110 pounds at the lowest. Recently I've noticed that I gained a LOT of weight since I lost my job. So much so that the doctors have started telling me I HAVE to lose some. I'll have to eat healthier for this and start exersicing...dammit.

Resolution #2: Get a Gosh darn Job! Seriously... I need money, and I have to get a job otherwise I'll be stuck living in this god-forsaken state

Resolution #3: Keep those grades up! no way i can stress this enough... not only must i keep these grades up, but also start filling college and scholarship applications... DO IT!

Resolution #4: Start trying to look your best, gosh darnit! After seeing those pictures of me with makeup on i realized im not that horrible looking. If i got up a few minutes earlier to put something on, it could make a big difference to the way I look. No only that, I have to start taking care of my hair.. get a new haircut or something cuz the split ends are driving me up the wall.

In Which Dammit, I'm sick Again!

2008-12-27T02:38:00.000-08:00

Normally one isnt happy to get sick at all, but I am one of the lucky people *note the sarcasm* that gets sick the day right after Christmas. Oh life is a cruel mistress. I woke up early on the 26th since everything was going to be on sale. Of course, it was freezing and I, unluckily, got there an hour before they opened. Doesnt Walmart Open at 6? *sigh*

Anyway, I was able to get most of the stuff I wanted, except for rain boots. The ones they had were hideous, and didnt even fit. By the time I got out of the store I was feeling pretty weak, so hurriedly I went back home.. another empty bus ride. Once I got home though, I had concluded that I had gotten sick as well. I guess that happens when you get up so early and into the cold. ]

I spent most of the day sleeping after I watched Price Caspian, who by the way is utterly sexy... though I prefer Edmund. lol. I had a slight fever when I woke up later, and had a horrible headache which i tried to alleviate with Tylenol. I swar that stuff dont work on me! T-T All in all, it was a pretty crappy day except for the Narnia movie and getting my goods from the store. Now excuse me, I'm going back to sleep now.

Omar Photography

2008-12-25T19:35:00.000-08:00

In Which I Take a Baby Step to Achieve my Goals

2008-12-23T16:50:00.000-08:00

What Inspires ME?

1) What do I enjoy doing? Why?
There are many things that I enjoy, so much so that I don’t even know what to say first when I am asked these types of questions.

OK, let's see... I like to read, a LOT. Before I used to read mostly hard copy books, but now I usually do most of my reading online. bummer.

I like to paint and draw, though now I barely have time to do it.

I like writing, which kind of ties in to reading, but I mostly write in rps. Role-playing, baby!

I like listening to music, it helps me think and keeps my mind occupied off of other unpleasant things.

Singing, because, like listening to music, it keeps me occupied.

I like playing with my friends. Really playing, as in tag and hide and seek. I never had enough of that as a kid.

2) What don't you enjoy doing? Why?
... That's a toughie. I think I probably dislike more things than I like.

I don’t enjoy going to large parties. They are too noisy, and i dislike being around people I do not know. Partially this is because I have a penchant for attracting bad luck, like stalkers and people that want to hurt me.

I don’t like speaking in front of class because my thoughts can be too fast so my poor mouth, trying to catch up ends up stuttering.

I don’t like going to the grocery store by myself anymore because strangers follow me around. I used to like going out so I could clear my mind, but with those stalkers… yeah.

I don’t like being ignored. No, let me rephrase that. I hate being ignored. I had enough of that while I was in Indiana to be ignored her, much less by my friends… but that’s not really something I do. Lol.

I absolutely abhor speaking to dumb people that just. don’t. get. it. It’s a waist of my time speaking to them, and they don want to learn, too stubborn wallowing in their own filthy thoughts… Goodness I’m such a bitch.

3) What do you like to read about?
Most of the books I read are fantasy and adventure, to escape from currently horribly and stressful life, romantic horror and self-help books. I like reading philosophy books and books about different religions. Basically I like reading just about anything except those dumb chick fics, like books about popular girls and high school. I live it and find it annoying enough already, therefore I don’t need to read it.

4) What gives meaning and purpose to my Life?
Oh dear. Well, actually, I don’t really know. I could say I’m a romantic and believe in true love, but I’m also a pessimist and am sure it will never happen to me. And if it did already, my man is dead. *sigh* What gives meaning to my life… I am so lost in this one. My life has no purpose, no life has a designated purpose… but if I could say I had a purpose, it would be to make people think since I despise stupid people.

5) What are my talents and skills? How might I improve them?
As said above, my skills consist of:

Drawing/Painting: I can always take more drawing classes once I graduate. Maybe take a good figure drawing class, and once I have a job, be able to buy a good set of art supplies that I want. I currently am itching for a field easel, some oil paints, and of course a few canvases.

Writing: I love writing stories and ranting about my life like the over emotional teenager that I am. Also, poetry and songwriting is another thing I like, despite not being able to read music. Lol me, I just write lyrics. A way that I would like to improve my writing skills and my vocabulary (which I think is dying, courtesy of stupid beaners around me) is to learn how to write better essays. I hate writing essays, not because the essays themselves, but because I hate being unable to do something.

Singing: Well, the only way to get better at singing is to keep doing it, so that's just what I'm going to have to do. lol.

Cooking: I love food. No. I ADORE food! I like making it, and i like eating it, I like looking at it cuz it's pretty. Edible art. In order to become a better cook, I guess I'll just have to cook a lot and look at different ways to do it.

6) What do I most often daydream about?

I mostly daydream about the stories or rpgs I'm in, like how I can develop the plot further or what my character will be doing next.

In Which I Write About The Eeyore Effect

2008-12-23T10:44:00.000-08:00

The Eeyore Effect

In Benjamin Hoff’s The Te of Piglet there is a chapter called 'The Eeyore Effect'. In these pages Hoff views a development in which an increasing number of people are becoming more negative as time ticks by, shooting down and smothering the growth of those people smaller and weaker than they, (whom Hoff calls piglets). Like he says about Eeyore, “There is something in each of us that wants us to be unhappy… It contaminates the mind behind the expression, with negative energy, and spreads outward, like a disease.”(Hoff, 54) Those that are miserable want to make others just as depressed, thinking that theirs is the only right way, the realistic way, never accepting that reality itself is made by how one interprets it.
In the part of the chapter to which I relate with the most, he explains how one's educators, whether being a real teacher or one with supposed knowledge, can actually inhibit the growth of the learner. They push negative information on children; how there are problems in the world that can't be fixed. They tell the learner how helpless they are, and then the children themselves become bitter and angry, successfully producing only more 'Eeyores'. “The Eeyores are… eliminating what they consider unnecessary… Art Creative Writing, Drama, and so on-classes that help students observe, reason, and communicate as well as keep their spirits and the left sides of their brains alive,”(Hoff, 72) in essence taking away their ability to live their lives fully.

It is all because of the modern romanticizing of all things negative. Society slaves away to uphold the appeal of deathly thin super models, violent movies, and music filled with vulgarity and then complain that society is becoming more rotten and immoral by the day when in truth it’s all their pessimism that breeds more of itself, spreading from person to person like a black plague of so-called realism. A reality without imagination and creativity, trudging away to the dull acceptance that one’s life is never going to get better because they just don’t try.
I was once a 'Very Small Animal' like piglet, during my childhood, and like him there were some 'Eeyores' that constantly put me down. I was surrounded by this type of personality in several people, telling me that I would never amount to anything or mocking my achievements. Because I let myself be influenced in this way, I believe I matured far more quickly and negatively than I would have in other circumstances; in other words, becoming like 'Eeyore' myself. Before that time in my life, I had never been such a pessimistic person. On the contrary, I was one to always look on the bright side of things. And looking back on it while reading this book, I realized back then that I still had a chance to better myself. I didn’t have to lower myself or submit myself to the gloominess of these Eeyores in my life. Little by little, I tried letting these things go as I read what Hoff was writing about, and I began trying to not be Eeyore-ish myself. Trying to look past the negative, and instead of seeing obstacles trials, see them as opportunities to grow and build a personality. Because as Hoff says, “Without difficulties, life would be like a stream without rocks and curves-about as interesting as concrete.”(Hoff, 58) It worked for a while, though when I finished reading the book and put it back on the shelf, I quickly forgot these Taoist teachings of respecting one another, and went right back on my old ways of cursing my bad luck and the people around me instead of thanking the heavens for the things I had that were going right.

Which adds another example of how persistent negativity is in our culture. It just keeps coming back because we let it, and we let it back in because we are used to it and accept it as the norm. But the problem is not with how much pessimism and negativity there is around us, but with the problems perceived by society, “They believe the negative and not the positive and are so obsessed with What’s Wrong that the Good Things in Life pass them by unnoticed.”(Hoff, 59) Like these people I was so preoccupied with my problems that I didn’t appreciate my gifts until they had left and all I had was a past full of mistakes to look back on, adding to my pessimistic, “realist” attitude.

However, reading this book once again, I come to find that I have another chance to see the brighter things and no be dragged down by the muck around me. Because as Hoff says, “respect… is sinking like the Titanic-and consequently, so is the state of the earth, the family, and society.”(Hoff, 79) I don’t need to add myself to the already corroding and depressed masses of society. I know now that I have the opportunity to start a new cycle, a cycle in which everyone is kind to each other and helps one another become better themselves.

In Which...

2008-12-21T23:44:00.000-08:00

I became a butterfly amongst the broken glass.
Flutter fragile Glasswing dreams
Let visions cloud my mind.
Open my eyes
There is the end of sight.
Close off my heart
That is the way we start.
Tell me
You love
The way I live for you.
I Sink into the song-like warmth that you left behind
flutter fragile Glasswing dreams
Let visions protect my mind
Close off my eyes
caccoon myself in sounds
of your silent heart
wrap these crystal wings around us
wait for the end to start.
Tell me
you love
the way i sleep for you.
One day I'll wake up
to meet you in the past.
I love the way you wait for me.

In Which Men in Tights is the Most Beautiful Sight I've Ever Seen~ (12/ 7 / 08)

2008-12-11T20:11:00.001-08:00

Wow, this is from a very long time ago, but I feel like I must post this or feel horrible about not speaking about the most excitingg part of December!

I know, I know... What kind of girl likes to see men in tights, right? Well I am here to say, that it is, without a doubt one of the hottest things in the world!

This weekend, I and the rest of the Vocal Ensemble went to perform at the Alex Theatre in Glendale. The performance itself wasnt that bad on the first day. We wore our red dresses, while the guys wore their cumber buns... really i dont know why they have such a strange name...

Any way Here are the glorious pictures of the ballet taken by my choir teacher:

((The Snow Fairy, or.. I dont remember her name...))

((The Nutcracker Prince and the Sugarplum Fairy... i dont get whats so special about her >.>))

((There we are!! Of course our choir teacher didnt take this himself, him being in the picture...))

((this was outside in the lobby... and it was cold. Im the only one wearing glasses))

In Which December 1st Marked the Beginning of a Stressful Week

2008-12-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

As stated in the title, I have had one of the most stressful weeks of the year. Although I can say that not everything about the week was bad, one could even say that it was a very exciting week, but I will argue to say that: what comes up must come down. I had some very high points to the week, but also had some very low points.

Monday (12/1/09)

I woke up extremely excited that morning because we were going to go to court as a field trip for my government class. Of course, I, wanting to take as much time getting ready to go, woke up half an hour earlier and turned on the coffee maker. The smell of this elixir of life woke me up immediately... or so i thought. In my still drowzy state, I had decided to wear wedges to court, thinking that since I would most likely be sitting down the whole time, I wouldn't have to worry about my feet hurting. Ohoho boy, was I ever wrong.

Not only did I forget to actually take the coffee i had so painstakenly prepared, but my feet began to hurt right about the time we got to court. When I cared to check i found that the shoes had rubbed my toes raw to the point where one of them was "skinned." Not a pretty sight and more painful than it seemed. But I'm not mexican for nothing, so I sucked it up all day until we finally came back to school around 5th period. Then, I let myself go and went crying to the nurse like a baby. My feet were bleeding by then. Smartie me. Of course, I called my mom and she came to pick me up, bringing the best, most comfortable shoes I have ever bought. Thank you L.A. I hobbled back home with my mom and brother, taking the bus and all that, and finally was able to rest and put my feet up.

Tuesday (12/2/09)
Nothing much happened that day besides me being in too much pain to put on my shoes. I promised myself on this day that i would never wear heels again. Let's see how long that holds up.

Wednesday(12/3/09)
Another field trip day, only this time for vocal ensemble. All of us went to the Calabasas Country Club..in our formal attire, meaning we had to wear those hideous red dresses. From what I hear, they were the best looking ones... though I wish they had come in black. Oh well. Red is the color of Christmas, so I guess it's ok. Anyway, The actual field trip was very entertaining. Even for us, who were supposed to be the ones entertaining the older folk, but We had fun. We were given LOTS, and i mean LOTS of sweets. I almost got a stomach ache from all the cookies and brownies i ate, but the ladies were very amiable and we all had fun singing with the elderly. One of the ladies even started crying because we "looked so cute." Too soon, though, it was over, and we had to return to school, though we did take a lot of group pictures, even a few "religious" group pictures which were very funny. We got to school on time for 6th period so I had fun on the computer for one hour, and then went to Merchandise class.

Thursday(12/4/08)
The most horrible day of the week. Again, I forgot to bring my coffee to school, so I practically fell asleep in class..actually i did. My friend had to wake me up. In my psychology class i found out that my "partners" had told the teacher that I hadnt wanted to participate. How far from the truth their statement could be... They never gave me the opportunity to participate, always wanting to do the psychology experiment after school, when i had made it clear that I was unable to because of my after school class. Did they care, of course not. I asked them if we could do the project on the weekend but no, they wanted to hang out together on saturday, so they ended up doing it during lunch without telling me. And i even went so far as giving them my email so they could send me the information and i could neaten it up a little, but they never did, saying that it was because i was absent... like that has anything to do with them not emailingme.

Anyway, the teacher gave me only a few more days to do my own experiment by myself, when they had a whole month to do it together. Thanks a lot. Very helpful. Though i di appreciate the chance, it was a very small one for something i didnt do. I hate the living. lol.

Friday(12/5/08)
Actually nothing special happened, besides me waking up with massive amounts of pain in my back and stress. Thanks a lot, "partners" I hope your christian god gives you your's. Now I know that i sound like a childish whiner, but it really pisses me off, and i still am pissed off. Although I cant wait to go to the ballet tomorrow, I am stressed out so fully that anyone tapping me on the arm has me jumping a mile in the air. I will not have time during the weekend to do my project though the teacher says that "it only takes an hour." Yeah? well how about actually getting help to film myself doing the experiment. If I'm lucky I wont have to take a picture of myself, though i now I'll be too busy at the ballet to take pictures anyway. Goddess give me patience so I dont go bonkers on God's people. Why are Christians still out to get us?

In Which...I am sick!! Oh noes!!

2008-11-25T21:28:00.000-08:00

Just as the title says...I am sick. *gasp*On friday I woke up with the most horrible backache I've ever had since I fell out of that tree in sixth grade...and that's saying a lot. Well anyway, I braved through this ordeal over the weekend, stoically taking the horrible as bravely as possible.

The end of the weekend, though, brought a whole new set of problems, mainly getting ready for school. Not only was I being attacked by agonizing back pain, I was also coming on with the flu! ..or a cold, or whatever... The bottom line is that neither is pleasant...and just befor Thanksgiving, too!

But I promise I wont succumb to this bug! I will bravely stare the sickness down, and I will triumph, using all the Wiccan powers I have!...including eating lots of onion and hot peppers.

And for another poem I wrote during breakfast...

His eyes reflect like mirror shards
lost by the Snow Queen.
He is beautiful
but only seeing the ugliness of the world
he shatters every time
You take him.
Mosaic of my breaking love
my breath ghosting over
eyes as sharp as glass.
Perfect seeing only evil
ice flowing through his veins
until they reach his heart.
He becomes mine.

In Which...

2008-11-22T16:34:00.000-08:00

Let's look up at the sky together
holding hands, holding...
I can see the horizon from far away,
the blinding sunlight over us.
Close your eyes and see the sun
through the eyelids of our dreams.
Butterfly rainbows
dove feather clouds
Carrying us over shrouds
of doubt and out to sea
on ships with sails as white as snow.
Because we're holding hands, holding...
And your smiles are enough
transcending over tragedy and grief
your tears and sweat rewarded
as we look at the horizon
traveling to the horizon
on our ships with sails as white as snow.
We are almost there
so lets keep holding hands,
laughing and praying that they dont sink
before we get to see the next sunrise
with our eyes closed.

In Which GLORY My Internet (...) Is Back

2008-11-20T19:05:00.000-08:00

And therefore I will finally post pictures that i took yesterday. This is a typical day in the life of me, Vivi.

me!

... and my asian slave! no lol

*huggles*

*huggles both of them* Break-dancing beast!

Oh my god~ Im so scary, she was horrified lol She's so nice

Hola! Me llamo Dora!My sweet Dark liquor

XD ...please... you must take pictures!Hiro! no, its not

. lol cutest couple in the whole damn school my secretary!

In which I lose another ounce of my patience and move one step closer to committing mass murder from a neurotic breakdown. (11/18/08)

2008-11-19T14:23:00.001-08:00

Once more it seems that my family is out to institutionalize me, because unless they really are clueless, then I am just crazy. I know that I have no patience for people, and teachers and my friends will tell you this straight out. I don’t like you. Why else would I spend my days writing in search for the deeper meaning of people’s idiocy?

Well this is beside the point…or actually right on point. Most teenagers go home after school relieved, seeking to relax from a stressful day of classes, nightmare-inducing teachers (or so they say. In my opinion, they should just suck it up and move along), and the drama of teenage life (O-M-G she said what!?). I on the other hand, dread coming back home. It is not that I have abusive parents or anything like that, its just that they literally drive me crazy. As literally crazy as one can get and still be able to write cohesively.

Now I will tell you what happened today: I come home from fashion merchandising class, hungry, tired, and hoping that for once, someone home had listened to me and cooked the leftover ground beef I had left in the kitchen on Sunday. Yes it has been two days…Goddess help me Mrs. West. Needless to say, my wish was not granted, and once I asked my mother if she was going to do it, she just answered, “Cook it then.”

Did I mention I was hungry and tired? So I, in my tired confusion, asked my grandmother, with all the subtlety one uses with a kindergartener, to roll up the ground beef into little pieces and cook it in a pan. Then I went to go take a nap. What does my grandmother do? Certainly not what I asked her to. She mixed in chunks of onion and tomatoes into the meat and then came to wake me up to tell me that there was something wrong with the meat.

Besides being two days old, what else could be wrong with it, I wonder? So I go to the kitchen, grouchy and still tired, and can you blame me? So I tried to salvage the mixture of ground meat and gigantic chunks of…whatever, essentially doing what I asked her to do for me. Can you believe she wanted to put baking soda, into it? The meat, however, was not in the mood to cooperate, sticking to the pan, crumbling away and leaving burnt pieces of onion, not even trying to retain any resemblance to a meatball.

By now, all forms of patience are dissolving, like the meatballs I’m trying to cook, and I notice that my grandmother, in all her apologetic glory, sits herself down and starts doing crossword puzzles. That was the straw that broke the camel…or in my case, penguin-rabbit hybrid’s back. “You know what? You do it!” I declared, throwing the spatula down, “You had the brilliant idea to add to my recipe. You know so much about cooking to defy my methods. You can finish this!” In Spanish, of course.

By now my grandmother is giving the whole, ‘I will do anything you want, I am just a poor old woman’ act, and that aggravates me all the more. But just because I have given up on cooking the disaster of a meal myself, doesn’t mean I will let her have free reign, otherwise, there wouldn’t be much of a meal left. Now I will say, my grandmother is not a bad cook. She really does know what she’s doing…with recipes she’s known forever. But give her something new, and it’s a recipe (pun intended) for disaster and another debilitating headache. She was going to use oil to cook the meatballs. Oil with ground beef!

Another cause for headaches? People who question the reasons for my racism against my own ethnic group, Latino Americans, and prejudice against the clans of stupid people at school just piss me off to no end. All the complaints about drama, so called teenage romance, and the unfairness from teachers is enough to make me sick. I’m not saying I’m above drama. I have had fights with fellow students, and did get punched in the face over petty anger on my part. But you know what? I let it go. *Audience gasps* Seriously, I know we were both in the wrong, and I was the one that lost…badly, I admit.

But the grudges, the smack-talking, the gossiping, the sheer beaner-ness of everything is to say the least, tiring. Have a horrible teacher? Ever tried to shut up and let the teacher actually teach? And if that’s not it, then suck it up, cuz they hold your grades in their hands and can tip the scale in your favor toward success or away into working night shifts at Wal-mart. Have drama? Take your head out of your posterior and look around at the pretty flowers, because I guarantee its not as bad as you think it is…unless you’re pregnant. Then you got to hit yourself upside the head for being stupid enough to have sex in the first place. And the much laughed at and most idiotic comeback: “But I love him!”… Just no. Shut. The. Heck. Up. Because you’re killing my much needed brain cells. You were raped you say? Day after pill, oh martyred one. Jeez.

Enough ranting… All I have to say in the end, is that I learned a new lesson today. Do not expect stupid people to understand the meaning of life. Do not expect stupid people to suddenly grow some brain cells. And most important: Do not let stupid people drag you down into insanity. In the wise words of Ron White, “You can’t fix stupid.”

In Which a Lacking Internet Renews My Creativity (11/17/08)

2008-11-18T13:12:00.000-08:00

Ironically the lack of internet has renewed my creative flow. Today I was able to write a whole page of a project that I had left on the backburner since middle school. Not to say that I think having no internet is a good thing, on the contrary, I feel the pangs of withdrawal every few hours and I still miss my roleplay partners.

In light of my new vigor for writing on this project I was unable to write a well though out blog for today, besides it being another normal day. As always, my computer teacher is somewhat neurotic so I will not be writing long blog. I do not want to be caught and have my head disattached from my body and the rest of me dismembered for being on the internet (porn).

In Which The Boredom Continues… (11/16/08)

2008-11-17T14:21:00.000-08:00

And still the Internet (porn) does not work. My mother and I are so bored that we decided to clean things. Imagine… We are doing housework *collected gasps*

Therefore, in order to relieve boredom, my mother has been sending me to run errands. Which incidentally, always end up with me being followed by some unknown male. Like today for example. I went grocery shopping. All went well, as I got everything I had on the list, maybe going a bit overboard and having to leave some things behind. Otherwise I was able to get a good 90% of the things listed. I had a good cashier, also because the line was not long, or nonexistent. The cart gave me a little trouble on the way home, and as I was passing by a bus returning children from Sunday school, too. Coincidence? I think not. It seems the Christian god is still out to thwart us pagans in the world,

Well, anyway, as I was coming back home from grocery shopping, tugging along a goddess knows how heavy cart, when this strange guy comes along and asks me if he can help me. Now I’m not a prejudice person…ok yes I am, I don’t like Mexicans, and this guy had Apocalypto and cholo written all over his face… and his neck, and back, and arms…So I just smiled and went my merry way, trying to keep a safe distance. Imagine my surprise when he walks right up to my apartment building and opens the door for me… talk about awkward. Then he helps me take the cart down the stairs without breaking the eggs. All this was done without me saying a word, as, ironically, I’m very adept at acting like a mute. Turns out the guy is friends with the crazy dude next door who does drugs and threatened to kill everybody in the apartment building. Who says my judgment is flawed?

In Which The Fires Of My Land Silence Me… (11/15/08)

2008-11-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

Because otherwise, I’d be online talking up a storm, looking up colleges, role-playing, or looking for anyway out of this god-forsaken… I admit it; I’m a nerd. But anyways, imagine my surprise when I woke up to smell ash up my nostrils…not very pleasant. Not only that, but somehow the fire made it so the Internet (is for porn), the television, and the telephone don’t work. So there’s no possible way to communicate with anybody unless I go outside. If you know me you know that is not an option. I don’t talk to my neighbors. I am cut off from society. Oh the tragedy.

So I have no way to vent now. No way to explain how awesome my night was yesterday. I mean, I went with two of my friends after classes to a curry restaurant. Though I can’t help but feel a little bad because I always end up mooching off of them. But we always have fun in the end.

Anyway. One would not believe how bored I was all day. It seems there really not much to do on the computer when there isn’t any Internet (porn). I keep wondering if maybe I should have gone to the library, but my recent incidents with sunlight-induced headaches takes away my doubts. I am not an outside person. Or I am, but only if it is dusk or its so cloudy it might as well be evening. I hope I’m not one of those vampire kids, but then again I figure I’m not otherwise I would already be becoming paralyzed or something. Thank goodness I am not, then. But back to the subject of how bored I am.

What angers me the most is the fact that the day right after I started this blog, the Internet (porn) decides to bite the dust. Meaning, of course, no updating of the blog. Until then, I will keep writing on my word processor and post these blogs once my net is up and running. Vivi out.

In Which Stress Attacks The Mind

2008-11-14T14:21:00.001-08:00

Now as most teenagers know, high school is filled with stress. Whether from the actual school work or from relationships that don't go exactly as planned, every person, even outside of high school has their fair share of stress, and I am no different.

I had not really complained about stress throughout most of my life, being a sort of laid back(lazy) easygoing person. Though now I am assaulted by the tornado that is college applications and the search for financial aid. I am not going to go all out and say that I'm poor, though at school I usually make a joke of my financial problems, but I will go ahead and say that I need all the help I can get to make it into college. I do not want to end up living off of welfare for the rest of my life or sharing an apartment with my mother. The strain on trying to become independent without mooching off of her in the meanwhile is enough to start giving me migraines...literally.

Now the start of my stress induced headaches came about sometime in the beginning of the year when I realized, Hey, I'm a senior, I have to go to college next year...imagine that. Well, anyway, this shocking revelation led me to the college office, where i dove into the haystack of colleges, researching and trying to figure out just what I want to spend the rest of my life doing as a career. I, who was used to just following instructions, had to go out and figure stuff out for myself. Talk about being out of my element.

First of all there's the problem of actually deciding on what career path to choose, whether culinary arts, since i love food, visual arts, since I like to paint, draw, etc., Music, because I like to sing, Literature, for my love of writing and reading, photography, because I like... well photography, or becoming a teacher because I like to torture small children...That was a joke. Anyway, there's the rush of finding your major so I can actually go to college, then there's the rush on finding a college.

I'm not going to say that I hate community colleges, but I know that If I start there, I will never get out of that. I know myself. I'm easygoing (lazy), passive, and don't like to stress too much(which makes my current predicament all the more stressful... and of course the family doesn't really help) So I really want to hurry up and find the college or university where I will be happy for the next four years, learning what I need to know to enjoy the next fifty or so years of my life. It's just that, the headaches make me giddy.

With Butterflies in My Wake

In Which...

In which...

Randoseru Time~

Bad, terrible Vivi

Take me away

Look at You

I feel bad for not posting in a while... work is killing my brain cells.

First Break from Work.

In Which Job Opportunity, Here I come!

In Which Boredom begins to Kill

In Which... egh, i dont even know

In Which, Can you?

Group Photo 2009!

In Which

In Which BEETRAIN Is Awesome once more!

In Which… Today is my 19th Birthday!

In Which, OMG a xxxHolic OVA!?

In Which Finally! Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood!

Taft L' Atelier Fashion Show

Birthday Party!

RAIN Vs. Colbert!

In Which, Over and Over.

In Which..Once again, Colorgenics Test

In Which I go to a BoA Concert!!

In which I gave you my wings... Dialogue of a Tearful Butterfly and its Beloved Boy

In Which…

In Which Absolute Freedom! I have my own computer!!

In Which I am My Favorite Tea

In Which…

In Which, Happiness! I Went to Little Tokyo~

In Which Stress About My Future...

In Which I Discover I Need PSychological Help, ANYlogical Help....

In Which *ZOMG!* OBAMA~~

In Which I Post up Picture Day from Last Year

In Which I Take The ColorGenics Test...

In Which I Ask Myself, Why Am I Depressed? I talk to the one I love

In Which I have No Idea What a Dosha is...

In Which I Became a Cat.

In Which I write My New Year's Resolution

In Which Dammit, I'm sick Again!

Omar Photography

In Which I Take a Baby Step to Achieve my Goals

In Which I Write About The Eeyore Effect

In Which...

In Which Men in Tights is the Most Beautiful Sight I've Ever Seen~ (12/ 7 / 08)

In Which December 1st Marked the Beginning of a Stressful Week

In Which...I am sick!! Oh noes!!

In Which...

In Which *GLORY* My Internet (...) Is Back

In which I lose another ounce of my patience and move one step closer to committing mass murder from a neurotic breakdown. (11/18/08)

In Which a Lacking Internet Renews My Creativity (11/17/08)

In Which The Boredom Continues… (11/16/08)

In Which The Fires Of My Land Silence Me… (11/15/08)

In Which Stress Attacks The Mind

In Which ZOMG! OBAMA~~

In Which GLORY My Internet (...) Is Back