In Which...

This, like walking down a hall of many doors with no windows,

is my decision to make, but if i could have a helping hand?

a caring word or phrase would make this choice so much more

bearable.

Please let me take your-

I'd like to say I am strong willed and courageous

but inside I know

you can see right through it and all my pretenses

and sense my weakened heart whose beats are so

hesitant that I doubt even my existence to you.

Have I chosen this way wrongly?
This path of deteriorating grey ?
I've lost the compass and the map

or never had it at all.

There is a pressure in my chest waiting to burst out any moment

like a voice weakly calling out to you and to me

There's a blockage in my view or a million paths tangled

like thorns lashing out at you

or latching onto me

Please let me take your-

What is this future you see?
A possibility you don't want to share with me

Why can't we go back to before decisions were ours

When the world was big, and bright,

and we could see one road untangled

When we could hold-

Please let me take-

It's something I've been wanting to say deep inside

confused by a myriad of superficial thoughts

a web of chains, events bound to distract

and yet this hidden thought keeps calling out to you and to me

So which door do I choose?

This, decision so heartbreaking like tearing the wings off a bird

is my choice to make, but if I could know your answer?
Would the path I take lead me away from you, a constant ache asks me

so despairingly.

I'd like to see us both walk the same bright white path

because I know

you can see right through all my pretenses

and sense my needful heart whose beats are so

hesitant in their existence until they see

the bright white that we can walk to.

Please Let me take-

Please let me take your hand

And let's walk ahead of that time before decisions were ours

When we can finally smile in our decisions

and our path is cleared.

Because the pressure in my heart will no longer be

bursting out to the world to share it's bright white

against the deteriorating grey

of the other lost paths.

In Which I write My New Year's Resolution

Its the dawn of a new era... the rise of a new age... and... the beginning of another grueling attempt to survive all that life throws at me.

Resolution #1: Lose ten pounds per month until I only weigh 110 pounds at the lowest. Recently I've noticed that I gained a LOT of weight since I lost my job. So much so that the doctors have started telling me I HAVE to lose some. I'll have to eat healthier for this and start exersicing...dammit.

Resolution #2: Get a Gosh darn Job! Seriously... I need money, and I have to get a job otherwise I'll be stuck living in this god-forsaken state

Resolution #3: Keep those grades up! no way i can stress this enough... not only must i keep these grades up, but also start filling college and scholarship applications... DO IT!

Resolution #4: Start trying to look your best, gosh darnit! After seeing those pictures of me with makeup on i realized im not that horrible looking. If i got up a few minutes earlier to put something on, it could make a big difference to the way I look. No only that, I have to start taking care of my hair.. get a new haircut or something cuz the split ends are driving me up the wall.

In Which I Take a Baby Step to Achieve my Goals

What Inspires ME?

1) What do I enjoy doing? Why?
There are many things that I enjoy, so much so that I don’t even know what to say first when I am asked these types of questions.

OK, let's see... I like to read, a LOT. Before I used to read mostly hard copy books, but now I usually do most of my reading online. bummer.

I like to paint and draw, though now I barely have time to do it.

I like writing, which kind of ties in to reading, but I mostly write in rps. Role-playing, baby!

I like listening to music, it helps me think and keeps my mind occupied off of other unpleasant things.

Singing, because, like listening to music, it keeps me occupied.

I like playing with my friends. Really playing, as in tag and hide and seek. I never had enough of that as a kid.

2) What don't you enjoy doing? Why?
... That's a toughie. I think I probably dislike more things than I like.

I don’t enjoy going to large parties. They are too noisy, and i dislike being around people I do not know. Partially this is because I have a penchant for attracting bad luck, like stalkers and people that want to hurt me.

I don’t like speaking in front of class because my thoughts can be too fast so my poor mouth, trying to catch up ends up stuttering.

I don’t like going to the grocery store by myself anymore because strangers follow me around. I used to like going out so I could clear my mind, but with those stalkers… yeah.

I don’t like being ignored. No, let me rephrase that. I hate being ignored. I had enough of that while I was in Indiana to be ignored her, much less by my friends… but that’s not really something I do. Lol.

I absolutely abhor speaking to dumb people that just. don’t. get. it. It’s a waist of my time speaking to them, and they don want to learn, too stubborn wallowing in their own filthy thoughts… Goodness I’m such a bitch.

3) What do you like to read about?
Most of the books I read are fantasy and adventure, to escape from currently horribly and stressful life, romantic horror and self-help books. I like reading philosophy books and books about different religions. Basically I like reading just about anything except those dumb chick fics, like books about popular girls and high school. I live it and find it annoying enough already, therefore I don’t need to read it.

4) What gives meaning and purpose to my Life?
Oh dear. Well, actually, I don’t really know. I could say I’m a romantic and believe in true love, but I’m also a pessimist and am sure it will never happen to me. And if it did already, my man is dead. *sigh* What gives meaning to my life… I am so lost in this one. My life has no purpose, no life has a designated purpose… but if I could say I had a purpose, it would be to make people think since I despise stupid people.

5) What are my talents and skills? How might I improve them?
As said above, my skills consist of:

Drawing/Painting: I can always take more drawing classes once I graduate. Maybe take a good figure drawing class, and once I have a job, be able to buy a good set of art supplies that I want. I currently am itching for a field easel, some oil paints, and of course a few canvases.

Writing: I love writing stories and ranting about my life like the over emotional teenager that I am. Also, poetry and songwriting is another thing I like, despite not being able to read music. Lol me, I just write lyrics. A way that I would like to improve my writing skills and my vocabulary (which I think is dying, courtesy of stupid beaners around me) is to learn how to write better essays. I hate writing essays, not because the essays themselves, but because I hate being unable to do something.

Singing: Well, the only way to get better at singing is to keep doing it, so that's just what I'm going to have to do. lol.

Cooking: I love food. No. I ADORE food! I like making it, and i like eating it, I like looking at it cuz it's pretty. Edible art. In order to become a better cook, I guess I'll just have to cook a lot and look at different ways to do it.

6) What do I most often daydream about?

I mostly daydream about the stories or rpgs I'm in, like how I can develop the plot further or what my character will be doing next.