In Which..Once again, Colorgenics Test

Name: Vivi
Date: 3/30/2009
Colorgenics Number: 73205164

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Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.

You are a fighter and always on the defensive. You always need to be sure that your position is safe and established. When you finally make a decision you will pursue it to the bitter end in spite of all opposition.

You feel very lonely and frustrated at this time but your shyness and modesty precludes you from establishing any deep form of relationship. You feel rather isolated and alone. You are egocentric and you believe that you are always right - well maybe you are - but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

And once again, the test has dysmal results. Smile and the world smiles with you? Umm... right. Fudge that, I'd rather go out for some ramen.. >.>

In Which I Ask Myself, Why Am I Depressed? I talk to the one I love

There should be no reason as to why I have started becoming depressed. It angers me, that horrible empty feeling in my chest, the way my throat seems to collapse into my lungs. It makes me feel sick. And then the hopelessness... the thoughts: Worthless, Hopeless, Cold-hearted Bitch.

Only serving to remind me what a spoiled person I am. What reason do I have to pity myself? My life is nothing compared to other people. I have a family, a person who loved me, and yet I throw it all away for self pity, self hatred.

And perhaps I am the selfish little worm that they seem so keen on calling me, eh, M? Who are you to say I am a loving and gentle person when all I have showed you are my sneers and and the threat of the back of my hand? You are a fool. And I am a fool for having lost you in the midst of my idiotic anger. My misunderstanding of you trying to help me. And now all I have is the fading memory of everything we all used to do those few years we were together. As friends. As a brother and sister to me, and you.. Damn your kindness.

Why did you have to go and clean all the cobwebs from around my mind and oil my heart so that it worked? You know I was perfectly content to let them sit in a shelf for the rest of my life, completely unused until I died. Now that they work, my memories and emotions...

You know what, M? Enough of this. Let me quit you!But even though I try to walk away, there is the weight of you memories tied to my fingers. Even when I write I see you in the letters, hear you in the lyrics of totally irrelevant songs. Who could know that I'm too Sexy for my shirt would have me remember the way you laughed... much more that I never really gave you reason to laugh. What the hell was your problem, to say you loved a wholly unattractive unsociable unsympathetic person like me? God, I threatened to maim you so many times that even I would have maimed myself from frustration.

And how I thwart myself in all emotional senses. How I wish I could meet you again. Some way. And yet I know if that ever be the case I would ultimately spurn you all over again. Why? Maybe because I'm an idiot that way, despite wishing you could hug me all over again, or even hold my had for a little while... I guess I'm just too afraid to admit it.

"Ah!", you may say if you were alive, "but you have just admitted it, mon amour." and then I'd get pissed, cuz you know how I hate to be wrong, right? And in the end, you died, and I ended up alone again, with people i should trust but wont let myself. Because nobody takes me as seriously as you did, because to everybody I'm just funny cheerful, Vivi. The girl who hates her own race, she who's nice to people when she feels like it, the artist, the writer. And thats the way that ot's been since you died.

So now I wait for the moment when another person will reach in to find the lobster, eh M? remember the lobster? It has a hard shell on the outside, but is soft and liquidy inside. Crack that lobster to find that maybe im just a depressed, angry person that people take for granted as that annoying person who just wont stop talking! One day maybe I'll have the chance to be you, and then Ill know how much I made you suffer with my anger and selfishness, but for now I can only wish beyond hope that I'll find you again. If only in my memories.