In Which I write My New Year's Resolution

Its the dawn of a new era... the rise of a new age... and... the beginning of another grueling attempt to survive all that life throws at me.

Resolution #1: Lose ten pounds per month until I only weigh 110 pounds at the lowest. Recently I've noticed that I gained a LOT of weight since I lost my job. So much so that the doctors have started telling me I HAVE to lose some. I'll have to eat healthier for this and start exersicing...dammit.

Resolution #2: Get a Gosh darn Job! Seriously... I need money, and I have to get a job otherwise I'll be stuck living in this god-forsaken state

Resolution #3: Keep those grades up! no way i can stress this enough... not only must i keep these grades up, but also start filling college and scholarship applications... DO IT!

Resolution #4: Start trying to look your best, gosh darnit! After seeing those pictures of me with makeup on i realized im not that horrible looking. If i got up a few minutes earlier to put something on, it could make a big difference to the way I look. No only that, I have to start taking care of my hair.. get a new haircut or something cuz the split ends are driving me up the wall.

In Which Dammit, I'm sick Again!

Normally one isnt happy to get sick at all, but I am one of the lucky people *note the sarcasm* that gets sick the day right after Christmas. Oh life is a cruel mistress. I woke up early on the 26th since everything was going to be on sale. Of course, it was freezing and I, unluckily, got there an hour before they opened. Doesnt Walmart Open at 6? *sigh*

Anyway, I was able to get most of the stuff I wanted, except for rain boots. The ones they had were hideous, and didnt even fit. By the time I got out of the store I was feeling pretty weak, so hurriedly I went back home.. another empty bus ride. Once I got home though, I had concluded that I had gotten sick as well. I guess that happens when you get up so early and into the cold. ]

I spent most of the day sleeping after I watched Price Caspian, who by the way is utterly sexy... though I prefer Edmund. lol. I had a slight fever when I woke up later, and had a horrible headache which i tried to alleviate with Tylenol. I swar that stuff dont work on me! T-T All in all, it was a pretty crappy day except for the Narnia movie and getting my goods from the store. Now excuse me, I'm going back to sleep now.

Omar Photography

In Which I Take a Baby Step to Achieve my Goals

What Inspires ME?

1) What do I enjoy doing? Why?
There are many things that I enjoy, so much so that I don’t even know what to say first when I am asked these types of questions.

OK, let's see... I like to read, a LOT. Before I used to read mostly hard copy books, but now I usually do most of my reading online. bummer.

I like to paint and draw, though now I barely have time to do it.

I like writing, which kind of ties in to reading, but I mostly write in rps. Role-playing, baby!

I like listening to music, it helps me think and keeps my mind occupied off of other unpleasant things.

Singing, because, like listening to music, it keeps me occupied.

I like playing with my friends. Really playing, as in tag and hide and seek. I never had enough of that as a kid.

2) What don't you enjoy doing? Why?
... That's a toughie. I think I probably dislike more things than I like.

I don’t enjoy going to large parties. They are too noisy, and i dislike being around people I do not know. Partially this is because I have a penchant for attracting bad luck, like stalkers and people that want to hurt me.

I don’t like speaking in front of class because my thoughts can be too fast so my poor mouth, trying to catch up ends up stuttering.

I don’t like going to the grocery store by myself anymore because strangers follow me around. I used to like going out so I could clear my mind, but with those stalkers… yeah.

I don’t like being ignored. No, let me rephrase that. I hate being ignored. I had enough of that while I was in Indiana to be ignored her, much less by my friends… but that’s not really something I do. Lol.

I absolutely abhor speaking to dumb people that just. don’t. get. it. It’s a waist of my time speaking to them, and they don want to learn, too stubborn wallowing in their own filthy thoughts… Goodness I’m such a bitch.

3) What do you like to read about?
Most of the books I read are fantasy and adventure, to escape from currently horribly and stressful life, romantic horror and self-help books. I like reading philosophy books and books about different religions. Basically I like reading just about anything except those dumb chick fics, like books about popular girls and high school. I live it and find it annoying enough already, therefore I don’t need to read it.

4) What gives meaning and purpose to my Life?
Oh dear. Well, actually, I don’t really know. I could say I’m a romantic and believe in true love, but I’m also a pessimist and am sure it will never happen to me. And if it did already, my man is dead. *sigh* What gives meaning to my life… I am so lost in this one. My life has no purpose, no life has a designated purpose… but if I could say I had a purpose, it would be to make people think since I despise stupid people.

5) What are my talents and skills? How might I improve them?
As said above, my skills consist of:

Drawing/Painting: I can always take more drawing classes once I graduate. Maybe take a good figure drawing class, and once I have a job, be able to buy a good set of art supplies that I want. I currently am itching for a field easel, some oil paints, and of course a few canvases.

Writing: I love writing stories and ranting about my life like the over emotional teenager that I am. Also, poetry and songwriting is another thing I like, despite not being able to read music. Lol me, I just write lyrics. A way that I would like to improve my writing skills and my vocabulary (which I think is dying, courtesy of stupid beaners around me) is to learn how to write better essays. I hate writing essays, not because the essays themselves, but because I hate being unable to do something.

Singing: Well, the only way to get better at singing is to keep doing it, so that's just what I'm going to have to do. lol.

Cooking: I love food. No. I ADORE food! I like making it, and i like eating it, I like looking at it cuz it's pretty. Edible art. In order to become a better cook, I guess I'll just have to cook a lot and look at different ways to do it.

6) What do I most often daydream about?

I mostly daydream about the stories or rpgs I'm in, like how I can develop the plot further or what my character will be doing next.

In Which I Write About The Eeyore Effect

The Eeyore Effect

In Benjamin Hoff’s The Te of Piglet there is a chapter called 'The Eeyore Effect'. In these pages Hoff views a development in which an increasing number of people are becoming more negative as time ticks by, shooting down and smothering the growth of those people smaller and weaker than they, (whom Hoff calls piglets). Like he says about Eeyore, “There is something in each of us that wants us to be unhappy… It contaminates the mind behind the expression, with negative energy, and spreads outward, like a disease.”(Hoff, 54) Those that are miserable want to make others just as depressed, thinking that theirs is the only right way, the realistic way, never accepting that reality itself is made by how one interprets it.
In the part of the chapter to which I relate with the most, he explains how one's educators, whether being a real teacher or one with supposed knowledge, can actually inhibit the growth of the learner. They push negative information on children; how there are problems in the world that can't be fixed. They tell the learner how helpless they are, and then the children themselves become bitter and angry, successfully producing only more 'Eeyores'. “The Eeyores are… eliminating what they consider unnecessary… Art Creative Writing, Drama, and so on-classes that help students observe, reason, and communicate as well as keep their spirits and the left sides of their brains alive,”(Hoff, 72) in essence taking away their ability to live their lives fully.

It is all because of the modern romanticizing of all things negative. Society slaves away to uphold the appeal of deathly thin super models, violent movies, and music filled with vulgarity and then complain that society is becoming more rotten and immoral by the day when in truth it’s all their pessimism that breeds more of itself, spreading from person to person like a black plague of so-called realism. A reality without imagination and creativity, trudging away to the dull acceptance that one’s life is never going to get better because they just don’t try.
I was once a 'Very Small Animal' like piglet, during my childhood, and like him there were some 'Eeyores' that constantly put me down. I was surrounded by this type of personality in several people, telling me that I would never amount to anything or mocking my achievements. Because I let myself be influenced in this way, I believe I matured far more quickly and negatively than I would have in other circumstances; in other words, becoming like 'Eeyore' myself. Before that time in my life, I had never been such a pessimistic person. On the contrary, I was one to always look on the bright side of things. And looking back on it while reading this book, I realized back then that I still had a chance to better myself. I didn’t have to lower myself or submit myself to the gloominess of these Eeyores in my life. Little by little, I tried letting these things go as I read what Hoff was writing about, and I began trying to not be Eeyore-ish myself. Trying to look past the negative, and instead of seeing obstacles trials, see them as opportunities to grow and build a personality. Because as Hoff says, “Without difficulties, life would be like a stream without rocks and curves-about as interesting as concrete.”(Hoff, 58) It worked for a while, though when I finished reading the book and put it back on the shelf, I quickly forgot these Taoist teachings of respecting one another, and went right back on my old ways of cursing my bad luck and the people around me instead of thanking the heavens for the things I had that were going right.

Which adds another example of how persistent negativity is in our culture. It just keeps coming back because we let it, and we let it back in because we are used to it and accept it as the norm. But the problem is not with how much pessimism and negativity there is around us, but with the problems perceived by society, “They believe the negative and not the positive and are so obsessed with What’s Wrong that the Good Things in Life pass them by unnoticed.”(Hoff, 59) Like these people I was so preoccupied with my problems that I didn’t appreciate my gifts until they had left and all I had was a past full of mistakes to look back on, adding to my pessimistic, “realist” attitude.

However, reading this book once again, I come to find that I have another chance to see the brighter things and no be dragged down by the muck around me. Because as Hoff says, “respect… is sinking like the Titanic-and consequently, so is the state of the earth, the family, and society.”(Hoff, 79) I don’t need to add myself to the already corroding and depressed masses of society. I know now that I have the opportunity to start a new cycle, a cycle in which everyone is kind to each other and helps one another become better themselves.

In Which...

I became a butterfly amongst the broken glass.
Flutter fragile Glasswing dreams
Let visions cloud my mind.
Open my eyes
There is the end of sight.
Close off my heart
That is the way we start.
Tell me
You love
The way I live for you.
I Sink into the song-like warmth that you left behind
flutter fragile Glasswing dreams
Let visions protect my mind
Close off my eyes
caccoon myself in sounds
of your silent heart
wrap these crystal wings around us
wait for the end to start.
Tell me
you love
the way i sleep for you.
One day I'll wake up
to meet you in the past.
I love the way you wait for me.

In Which Men in Tights is the Most Beautiful Sight I've Ever Seen~ (12/ 7 / 08)

Wow, this is from a very long time ago, but I feel like I must post this or feel horrible about not speaking about the most excitingg part of December!

I know, I know... What kind of girl likes to see men in tights, right? Well I am here to say, that it is, without a doubt one of the hottest things in the world!

This weekend, I and the rest of the Vocal Ensemble went to perform at the Alex Theatre in Glendale. The performance itself wasnt that bad on the first day. We wore our red dresses, while the guys wore their cumber buns... really i dont know why they have such a strange name...

Any way Here are the glorious pictures of the ballet taken by my choir teacher:

((The Snow Fairy, or.. I dont remember her name...))


((The Nutcracker Prince and the Sugarplum Fairy... i dont get whats so special about her >.>))


((There we are!! Of course our choir teacher didnt take this himself, him being in the picture...))


((this was outside in the lobby... and it was cold. Im the only one wearing glasses))