In Which I Discover I Need PSychological Help, ANYlogical Help....

After re-reading some IM messages I sent to a friend... I realized that I'm crazy, and may need a shrink... Though the problem we have with money doesn't really make that an option. Im just a depressed, sad, angry person...

The whole conversation started with how I was worried about a story I was hoping to co-publish with someone, and after i had pissed another friend off with my hateful attitude. Me? Hateful? Surely you are joking! Well, believe it or not... I am *sarcasm flowing like the Niagara Falls...*

Anyway... here goes:

all of [my stories] are important to me... they represent a stage of my life...

when i was religious,,, the sci fi story about a boy messiah saving us from weird aliens and his "apostles" which were a group of teenagers possessed by the spirits of alien angels... >.> sounds kinda stupid... but its sort of connected to my Lillith's daughter story...

the one where i defy monotheistic religion in favour of chaotic paganism...

then theres the one i turned into rp.. The Fever, in which i "channeled" my feelings of being left abandoned by my mom when she married her husband despite my warnings

hmmm, what else... th butterflies one, where i felt that my life was a cycle of neverending sacrifice for someone tht i loved, when the person would just forget me after i "disappeared" and how [my boyfriend] tried to "save" me from my depression like Micah saved Lonan,, only to end up dying at the end because of Lonan/my rejection

... all my stories cme from something so depressing...what else am i writing >.>

My Friend: you need to watch some happy stuff

...i know.. but watching and doing is a completely different thing, [censored by Vivi]. And for a long time, the depressing part has overshadowed most of my happy stuff.. either that... or im sick... but it certainly cant help that my mom's always yelling at me that im too depressed and bitchy and lazy and whiney and,,,, just bad...i should go see a shrink or something... but in the end they never help and its a waist of money...

the better ones are more expensive... an medical dont cover therapy unless its SERIOUS.. like endangering others kind of behaviour...

im a piece of work, arent i?

i wonder why people even like me... or do they even? and if they don't then why dont they tell me to just leave them the hell alone, like i would? ... and even of they do like me, once they get to know me they find me unlikeable, stupid, stubborn, depressing and just plain rude... though i know i cant really be rude... unless i dislike the person, and even then i'm too cowardly to be so bold to their face...

and yet I complain about speaking behind a person's back, which makes me a hypocrite, doesnt it? And although it's a small comfort to say that animals seem to like me, Loki is the only animal ive ever had for sch a long period of time...

[that post is censored, because it even scared me a little, now that i read it... dont even ask, as most people wll get a half-assed story about whatever comes to mind at the shortest amount of time...]

i dont KNOW why[im putting myself down!] ...perhaps because so many people have put me down already that is the only thing i know how to do honestly? even when i compliment people it's backhanded or sarcastic... im bitchy to everyone and bitchy to myself... what i dont understand is how i was HOMOcidal instead of SUIcidal when i was in middle school.. i was a pretty smart kid... i could have figured out sooner that the one with the problem was me ....
i just wish i could meet someone selfless that didnt DIE... then i would have a little bit to brighten up for... >.>

My Friend (bless her heart *no sarcasm whatsoever, surprisingly*):
you cant just hope for that you have to try to do something to make things better and not hope for someone else too

and another who says the same thing... although i hypocritically say it myself at times, we all know that it isnt true.. We all need something to look forward to, something that will save us, as [my late boyfriend's twin brother... yeah.. said boyfriend is dead...] told me once on more or less words... most likely less, since he never talked and therefore i probably interpreted it form a look he gave me when i was acting extremey pitiful. and since i KNOW that that will never happen again... it just makes me all the more cynical. I KNow I have to work for everything. I KNow that im on my own. I KNow that everything i say and do may seem like somethine a bitter old woman would compare to, but... sometimes i think the saving happened at the wrong time...

either that or im just hopeless and all the sacrifices made by people around me, FOR me, are rendered null and void by my thoughtless... or OVERthoughtful actions...

OR... im just making this up as i go, and [my boyfriend] was never real, and i was just using the persona of three imaginary friends to fill my loneliness... and maybe, None of the friends from Indiana are real.. and maybe i never even LIVED in Indiana, or Indiana as a figment of my imagination and that state doesnt even exist...

therefore making this conversation completely irrelevent in the schem of your life and my life... and perhaps i am just a figment of YOUR imagination,.. or vice versa...

and... fuck... nevermind... i am rendered speechless by my stupidity

which as i type makes it Ironic, because i have just SPOKEN, that i am speechless, making me a liar.. and in which you should never trust me again, because if i ever told someone i loved them, then how would they know, since i am a liar, that i am sincere.. and SINCE I just calle myself a liar, than doesnt that erase the FACT that im a liar, sinc a liar cant be trusted and therefore my statement of being a liar should be dismissed, making me HONEST...

-_-...someone shoot me...

My Friend: no

of course not, that would only be granting me a boon, which most certainly isnt on the top of ANYONES list, least of all mine. what I meant was figurative, not literary... and wthf am i saying

maybe its because im tired.. but then since im tured all my inhibitions are let loose and people see what kind of person I really am... or maybe im just cranky... but im never so coherent when i am well rested... if you can call this coherent... perhaps you can call it...

actually i forget the word for the way im typing.. and oddly, I;m speaking alod as i write... or perhaps im not, because if i was my mom would wake up..

and i certainly do NOT want that,, no no, especially if im being so.. how do you say.. annoying, but in another form,... i dont want to be kicked out of the computer just yet...

The conversation died at exactly that point, when i realized i had probably driven my OWN friend mad, meanwhile not even releasing a small percentage of my frustrations... guess the only ones who can take me are the ones who die quick. I guess theyre better off that way. I mean who wants to live hearing my depressing voice when they forget to not remember?

Most of my friend's posts were not put here, since they are... somewhat short, and despite the horrifyingly bad grammar in my IM-ing, I was too lazy to proofread most of it... i just replaced names and stuff...

Wow... I really am a piece of work...