Wednesday, December 30, 2009

FW:| Omg i can finally txt!<

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Look at You

Look at you,

vessel of unfounded love

a quirk of the lips

a shameless smile

and fingertips touching

through windowpanes of frosted

happy tears

a crinkle of eyes

a selfless word

and the sky falls around us

in shooting stars

as bright as the color under your hood.

Look at you,

tremulous world of unending warmth

a twitch of fingers

a soft caress

a melody of beating hearts

and an alchemy of laughter

in bursts of fluttering wings

as lovely as the smile under your hood.

Look at you,

carrier of a boundless heart

an upturned eye

outstretched arms

a smile to the sky

and you fly

into scattered winds

as soft as the voice uncovered

when you removed your hood.

a crinkle of the eyes

a quirk of the lips

and the sky wraps around us

in the drifting galaxies

as warm as your endless embrace.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I feel bad for not posting in a while... work is killing my brain cells.

There she is standing with her back against a blank wall
Smiling with her heart held on her head like an apple waiting for the shot
she doesn't like wearing it out on her long sleeve
or looking down from dreams of castles made out of glass.

You've got to bring it down with one of cupid's arrows
or say a word that will wake her up again.
You've got to promise her with a smile of your own
Your boxed up heart held up to hers in red-white target

Take a breath and follow her into her dreams and stories.
Make a pact with endless skies to bring her back again and help her as
she takes Glasswing castles down from memories unwanted.
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against the slowly falling wall.

You can say she tries to fly with her feet still on the ground.

Let your crimson cupid's bow make honeyed arrows fly true.
Pierce the drying apple balanced on her head in one smooth blow.
Doesn't matter much if it hurts and turns into a bruise
as long as your there to promise with that smile of yours.

You've got to bring it down with one of cupids arrows
You've got to promise your heart to her glass made red-white castle.

Take a breath and follow her into her floating castles
Make a heart-felt promise with the soul inside her starlit eyes as
she takes Glasswing castles down from memories rewoven
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against the slowly falling wall.

Put your back up against the wall.
Lift your hands up towards the air.
Let your heart fall against hers in the chest between you.

Don't look down from both your dreams
keep on smiling towards each other.
hearts made of glass in dreams woven between your fingers .

Take a breath and follow her into her whispered wishes
Make a love-filled promise with the heart held in your hands as
she builds Glasswing castles up from memories unraveled
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against the climbing wall

Take a breath and follow her into her glass made castles
Make a paradise for you with both your dreams and stories
she builds Glasswing castles up from unraveled memories
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against eternal wall

You can say she's flying with her feet still touching ground.

Smiling with your hearts held on her head like an apple waiting for the shot.
She's not flying by herself anymore.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

First Break from Work.

That's right, my friends. For the past three day's I've been working my extra weight off in a kitchen... only to regain it once again during lunch. Just joking. These old people eat a lot healthier food than we do, and a lot better tasting than some of the stuff in high school cafeterias.

Anyway. Today was my first break of the week, Saturday being another one, and still I feel strange having an inconsecutive weekend.

But!~ This isn't a complaint! I think I like my job so far, though I feel extremely slow, in both mental and physical sense, compared to my fellow kitchen ladies. They tell me I'll soon start catching up to them, so I'm still optimistic. Besides, where else can I work where I don't have to take my own lunch? lol.

For tomorrow I have a ride, as well as Sunday, though for the other days I have to rely on the bus. It's a two hour trip, and then I have to wait two hours before my work actually starts (there's no later bus so I have to take that last one which takes me early) so in the end, I'm out of the house for around 9 to 11 hours, getting home exhausted, but feeling accomplished. I can't wait for my first paycheck. Straight to the bank it will go, taking out the money I'll need for the bus.

I'm hopeful that I'll stay at this job for a while, and that we might even move closer, however much i dislike the heat (it's a desert... almost).

Saturday, June 27, 2009

In Which Job Opportunity, Here I come!

As said in the title, I was gifted with a job opportunity last night by my uncle and his old coworker and friend. I have to say that I'm extremely excited about it. Despite it being very far away from where I live, it's still a job. I can always but a small car later, or if I get my way, a moped. Though I still have to learn how to drive one >.>

If I get it, I will be working in the kitchen of a convalescent home as a helper. I really do hope I get it. I've been aching for a job since I stopped working at Boething Nursery.

Wish me luck, guys!

Monday, June 22, 2009

In Which Boredom begins to Kill

I am so.. BORED. It's only been two days and already I'm starting to get restless. Having a friend around helps a bit, but when we're each doing our own thing, the depression comes back.

I can't even write. I keep trying to go back to the Alchemist, but I end up daydreaming instead. It's also no help that one of my characters keeps getting thrust from his story and put up against random things like... video games, or comedy shows. The man is DARK, for the love of the Goddess! He'll never go into a comedy! The thought alone makes my spine writhe in horror.

Suffice to say that I despise crossovers in any of my fandoms. Even of my own characters.

Yes. the lack of stress makes me moody. Or maybe... I'm even MORE stressed because I have nothing to do. I feel like a crippled coonhound once having experienced the thrill of the hunt beside his master, and now confined to being a complacent housedog. 

I think... I just called myself a Bitch. >.>

Anyway. I feel so out of place thinking that I'll never go to school again. Or... back to high school, anyway. I can only hope I get a job soon so I can start college. I really, really, REALLY need school. Actually, I think I might even end up a teacher. As bad as I am at public speaking, I feel the most comfortable in a classroom.

I might even find time to write when I'm not swamped with bratty kids' homework.

I have to say I LOVE classrooms.

Or maybe I'll become a librarian... Miels always did say that he could imagine me as a librarian. Though I think he meant for a whole other reason. Perv.

Sekshi Ribrarian! 8D

I've reverted to my 12 year old , OCD, ADD tendencies, it seems.

I actually woke up today at around 3 am and was too bored to go back to sleep. I don't know how that works, but eh... I guess I'm weird that way.

Well... I'm going to go back to reading fan-fiction and watching random anime. Perhaps something will inspire me to finish my own fan-fiction and continue the Alchemist.

And woah! I had no Idea I had so many watchers. It's kind of flattering actually, not to mention the reviews or remarks, or whatever they're called. Thanks guys for your support! Goddess knows how you guys can put up with me. ^_^

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

In Which... egh, i dont even know

Yesterday a star appeared in your eyes
Only I could see it
Only I can still
hear your voice calling out
within my heart for the other half of you

Yesterday the clouds covered up your heart
Only I could feel it
Only I can still
see it beating within my own ever time

Spanning distance, 'cross all time
through the armor of our bodies
inside mine.
My soul awaits your company
yours awaits mine.

Yesterday I heard a whisper in your ear
that you didn't hear
that you can still
not understand my voice
calling out for your other half of me

Yesterday a rainbow crossed my pathway
You couldnt see it
You still can't
see my face within the crowd
of our mortality.

Spanning distance, 'cross all time
through the armor of our bodies
inside mine.
My soul awaits your company
yours awaits mine.

Our hands reaching out to empty space
searching for the other half of
Something we can't touch
through the armor of our bodies.

Yesterday I saw a flower fall on stone
Only I could see it
Only I can still
see your name engraved on my heart
calling out for my other half of you.

ahaha~ depression continues! >..> this is what i do when im depressed. Make fun of myself and write poetry. Add me to the Emo List. -_-

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

In Which, Can you?

Can you hear
Those words are hesitant and
softly sing to me?

Despite their volume
They stay behind and hide amongst
surface scattered notes
that forget them.

Can you see
those smiles are broken and entice
attention from you?

Despite their weakness
There's no look back and plead for
compassion in return
for the virtue

Busy nights are etched across them.
broken letters that don't scar
the surface of star cut eyes
and indecisive moments
that forget them.

Can you feel
the heavy shackles wrapped around
those all too thin hands?

Despite their burden
they keep on playing softly
surface scattered notes
that forget them.

Can you love
the treated heart and soul that
needs compassion?

If you say you will
There's no look back and regret
to inform the bound up heart
that there's no song
to sing.

Eh... I feel under appreciated lately. Completely useless and alone... and what's worse is I don't even feel like talking to anybody. I want to talk, but then i get moody and it just makes things awkward, so I'd rather not.

Soon I'll be able to move on, I hope, and find my way. Because I'm lost and can't seem to think much about anything except the dead end I have just walked into. Sometimes, epiphanies aren't always a good thing. I somehow wish I had stayed oblivious to what I know feel... But anyway... I hope you like the poem.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Group Photo 2009!

And this year, more people for the group photo!

And Presenting...

The EPIC SHOT 2009!


Monday, May 25, 2009

In Which

I closed my eyes so I could see your smile
and the memory of your laugh was like a warm breeze
that swept away my melancholy.
I remember you, traveler.
You took my heart to another world
and gave me nothing
but a kiss in return


I've tasted the forbidden fruit
my sin
letting go a comfortable life in order to feast
on the sweet nectar
of my dreams

Sunday, May 3, 2009

In Which BEETRAIN Is Awesome once more!

As I said above, Beetrain, the animation studio, has once again outdone itself with "Phantom: Requiem for a Phantom! The animation is amazing, and the music is... to cry for. XDD I've always liked this studio's anime, and I have high hopes for this one. Go BEETRAIN!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

In Which… Today is my 19th Birthday!

Yes, I know I celebrated it earlier, but now I am officially 19! Not a big thing in milestones, but still only two more years until i ca legally buy Kahlua and my own cooking wine!

*punches air happily*

.... that's all i really had to say ^w^;

Sunday, April 26, 2009

In Which, OMG a xxxHolic OVA!?

Like I said, Clamp has decided to make the xxxHolic OVA! Now this has been circulating around since TRC: Tokyo Revelations came out, but finally the first episode has come out! A change from the anime, they decided to add the crossovers from TRC, which is awesome, and the animation itself is only getting better. I love the background music, as always because it doesn't distract from the action, and especially the soft scenes. The music always makes me slightly emotional, but hey, its Clamp. Everything about their stuff makes me over emotional XDD.

So here it is, the first Episode of xxxHolic: Shunmuki!

In Which Finally! Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood!

After what feels like years of nostalgia and wishful thinking, finally, it has returned!

Link to first episode:

When I first heard about a second season of Fullmetal Achemist, I thought it could be nothing but a bunch of rumors stirred up by otaku nerds who hadn’t had enough of the epic-ness that was FMA (though I have to say, one can never really have enough of that epic-ness)

Anyway, The first episode of FMA was AWESOME! There was no dragging along to re introduce old characters, and the action was epic as always. Not only that, but YUI sings the OP! *fangirl squeal*

By the time I  get this post up, there will probably already be more than the first episode up, and... I will have watched them. 'll try to keep updated on the episodes, but I'll no doubt be busy with other things (like my life) to blog.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Taft L' Atelier Fashion Show

The Annual Taft Fashion Show, featuring Taft's very own student designers and their wonderful lines of clothing. The Theme of this year's fashion show was history, ranging from the "300" line of ancient Greece and the Hippy styles! <3

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Birthday Party!

Yes, yes, I know my birthday is not until ten days, but I had my party yesterday. It was extremely fun! My friends, family and I ate at a Shabu Shabu restaurant, which is kind of like Korean barbeque, but instead of a grill, one has a hot-pot of "soup" in front of them where you cook the food yourself.

After lunch, my uncle was able to drop us off at Little Tokyo where we practically spent the whole day just wandering. I got $40 from Rana, which I had been hoping to spend on just clothes, but I ended up buying a Deathnote, a Gaara plushie, and black leggings. All in all, despite being a little regretful of buying the Deathnote, I'm very happy with my whole time yesterday~

This here's the vids I took of us having fun before getting too occupied actually having fun to record it.

Also, the photo album of awesomeness!

Friday, April 10, 2009

RAIN Vs. Colbert!

And Just when I thought Rain couldn’t get any hotter, or Stephen Colbert any funnier, they go ahead and pull a fast one one me!

Thanks Lillian!


Monday, April 6, 2009

In Which, Over and Over.

The stars are beautiful. That is the first thought that passes through her mind as she lays on the hard, blood-soaked ground. Little pin pricks of light in the sky that twinkled down at them. Those stars that smile at them from the heavens even when they are in the midst of their own heated battles.

She can hear the bombs going off around her, the showers of dirt, and blood, and faces that red eyes can see against the now dark, crystalline clear sky. It is almost ethereal to her, as she lays there, how the sky could look so calm when around her people are dying.

Her fingers brush against another's and she turns her head to the side only to see that those fingers have no owner.

She is sick then.

Despite not having eaten anything for two days, she empties her stomach onto the ground beside her face, not caring if it gets into her hair, or her ear, or if she chokes on it for that matter.

"Why are we not dead yet?" she asks the one who has fallen on her in their battle. Her voice is ragged and weak, as if she has sung nonstop for days without rest. It seems more like she's musing on a philosophy more than asking him a question, though. After all, it is his own knife embedded right below her heart.

For all she knows, they are already dead. She can't feel anything but the hard ground against her winged back and his weight on her.

And she just wishes she could reach up and wrap her hand around one of those stars. Perhaps give it to the person on top of her, because-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If I could give you the moon and sky I would, just don't go- Beside her, another dies, and she wonders... why are we not dead yet? They should be dead. She should be dead, though she wishes they didn't have to die. If anything, she wishes she could have just knocked him out and ran away with him until he regained his senses. Regained his sanity. She didn't care if he is never able to see her again as long as he can hold her hand...

"Why are we not dead yet?" she sobs.

He tries to stand, to roll off her, anything to see her face better. He has forgotten he is already blind. "Does it matter?" he rasps.

"The stars are beautiful." that was the first thing that passes through his lips as they sit on the roof of the temple, "Like little diamonds of light that shine down on us." He looks up at the older girl beside him, and smiles. The moonlight and starlight reflect off her hair and the inky black wings she has finally shown him.

At first when he saw him, he almost lost it. That blackness reminded him of that shadow that had killed his mother. But it could never have been her. Despite the constant scowl on her face, he knows she would never do something like that.

"Why don't you smile a little?" he suggests. After all, they weren't on a mission. There was no reason for her to steel herself against emotions when all they were doing was sitting and looking up at the stars.

Sometimes he wishes he could reach up at them and pluck one out of the sky. Perhaps give it to her just to see one little smile. Because he's sure she would be even more of a wonder if those downturned lips quirked up even a centimeter.

She only looks down at him with a blank stare, light brown eyes seeming to shine in the light. Perhaps they did shine. Cat's eyes shined because they could see in the dark, so therefore her eyes probably shined too. And they shined even brighter when they bled crimson, her face contorting into a wild snarl and her teeth seeming to elongate like a demon's. Well...she is a demon, if he thought about it. But now, her eyes are brown, and she looks down at him with a look of utter blank bafflement.

"There's no reason to smile." she replies, "God has forgotten us, his people want to kill us, and for what? Because of an ancient battle against his son? The war's still going on, and it will break soon, this peace that we're trying to keep by hiding any knowledge of our whereabouts. Whether it's in days or years, We're going to have to go to war again. Now tell me why I should smile?" But at the look he gives her, she sighs, and her lips quirk up just a centimeter.

He chuckles and scoots closer to her, brushing back a strand of black hair and kissing her cheek, "See? That wasn't so bad, now was it?

He is answered with a snort and an elbow to the gut. He only laughs.

He is blind. She can tell by the way black covers his eyes, and how he isn't facing her as he speaks.

"I won't let you live another day, demon." he hisses, sweeping his hand in her direction. She is hit with a wall of energy, and doubles over, gasping for breath. "You're nothing but the devil's spawn, an unholy thing! You made my whole life miserable!" another wave, and all she can do is step back, her heart beating loudly in her chest. It is the only thing she can hear now.

"I'll kill you!" he roars.

And this time she does move. She un straps the cloth around her hand, and the fire unleashes itself, surrounding the both of them. She can see nothing beyond the flames, hear nothing beside the beating of her heart, and her eyes are frozen on the man before her. There is nothing but the both of them. Her eyes bleed crimson, and she give him a grim smile. He can't see it anyway.

"I'm already dead."

Sometimes, she can imagine a place without such an inner war. Where the sky being crystalline clear was not such a disturbing thought, and she can smile freely without feeling like a hypocrite. It always makes her wonder why she hates herself so much, why she is so full of such dark emotions.

He sit on the swing next to her, a worried look on his face, "What happened this time?" he asks softly.

She just shrugs, the scowl on her face deepening. She can't tell him. She can't say that she tried to poison that man again. He would only think less of her.

Every time he tries to help her, she wishes he didn't. She doesn't deserve it. She's already damned anyway."I...just hate him." she finally growls, pushing her feet on the ground so that she swings back a little. "I hate him so much...I wish...I wish I could just k-"

"Don't." he interrupts her, reaching out to touch her head, "Don't think things like that. He is not worthy of you thinking so much bad things.."

He sounds so old to her when he speaks like that. His accent becomes prominent, as if he hadn't been born and raised here. It must be because of his mother, and the fact that she schooled him. She looks up at him, grimacing at the soft way he looks at her. She doesn't deserve such tenderness. With a disdainful snort, she ducks her head out from under his hand, then mellows out again and looks up at the sky.

The stars are beautiful. Sometimes she wishes they could reach up at them, and pull one out of the sky. Perhaps give it to him as payment for being so kind to her.

"Why do I get the feeling that we've hurt each other before?" she asks in a moment of vulnerability. Somehow... she is able to ask the strangest questions, and he never laughs.

He hums softly, as if contemplating the question. For all she knows, he probably doesn't take her as seriously as he seems to. But she doesn't care, as long as he acts like he does. "Perhaps we have. In another life somewhere up there in one of those stars you're looking at."

She snorts again, "Stupid... You always say stupid things like that." It hurt. How he always seemed to be trying to help her, trying to save her from herself when she had done nothing for him. It's almost felt like he was making up for something he had done, and using her as penance. It's almost like he's blind, only unlike other people who are blinded by her faults to anything else, he can't see her faults. "There's no such thing as past lives."

"Suppose you're right." he chuckles, then stiffens at the sound of a car driving up one of the trailer driveways. He turns to her with a forced smile, "You should go home before your mother gets worried."

She glares, "You mean before the bastard gets home?"


"...Fine" The swing squeaks as they stand up, and suddenly they can hear the crickets around them, the sound of someone cooking in one of the trailers nearby. Someone watching T.V. in another. It had been like there was only the two of them... until now.

He smiles at her ad ruffles her hair, then points behind her, "Look!"

She does, and he steals a kiss on her cheek, laughing as she growls, "You're such an idiot!"

He walks her to her trailer, where he left his bike against the tree, and picks it up. "I'll come back tomorrow. Maybe we help you with your math homework."He reassures, though he looks up at the light coming from the window and frowns a little, "You know you can call me if anything happens, right?"

She shrugs, rolling her eyes, "Yeah."

He looks at her one more time, before mounting his bike, and she stands there, watching as he pedals away. Once she can no longer see him, she finally feels the way her eyes are burning, and she scowls.

She isn't crying. She hasn't cried in years. Even when that man hit her, or when that man tried to force himself on her, making her remember when someone HAD forced himself on her. Well, force couldn't really be said. She hadn't said no. She hadn't really known what was going on, much less that it was something bad. She could barely remember anything anyway, except for the sight of him on top of her, and the sound of the shower in the next room.

She hadn't cried.

So why did she want to cry now?

They are dying. She can feel the shortness of breath, and she still has the mindset to realize that she can't feel anything below her waist anymore. But...

"It hurts." she whispers. Her front is now completely soaked with his blood. and she tries to move her head only to see him a little bit, "Does it hurt you?" she asks softly, trying to lift her hand so she can brush away the pieces of dirt in his hair, but it's like lead and she can barely move a finger. Her other hand is already out, only a small dying flaming stump on her wrist.

He tries to chuckle, but it only comes out as a raspy wet gurgle, "I can't feel much of anything anymore." he says back. A small breath, and he kisses the only part of her he can reach; her shoulder, "I wish... I should have forgotten all that stupid vengeance, all of that man's lies. It wasn't your fault."

She's crying this time. She hasn't cried in years. Even when her hand was cut off, or when she saw her mother killed. She hadn't cried.

"This is all so fucked up." she chokes. And she can barely think anymore, all she can see is the stars in the sky, surrounded by the inky blackness. And then she can't hear him anymore, can't hear his heart beating against hers, can't feel his weight. She closes her eyes, and all she can see is the is the stars in the sky.

The phone falls out of her hand at the other's words.

There's no way. Her heart feels like it has stopped in her chest, and she can barely feel anything from the waist down. He couldn't... There was no way that he could leave her like this!

And then she's angry. So stupid! Who in their right mind does something so obviously stupid like that!? He was always doing stupid things like that! She can hear the sounds of her family eating in the other room, and she lets her body slowly lower onto the floor. "This is all so fucked up!" she whispers into her hands, and somehow, she feels as if she's said this before. Beside her, the phone has hung up on the other line, the dial tone faintly reaching her ears. She wishes she was deaf so she would never have to hear such a sound again. Like the sound of flatline on an ECG machine in an E.R. show.

Brown eyes look up and out the widow, at the crystalline clear sky, and she almost curses at it. It is almost like taunt to her, how the sky can look so calm when people she loves are dying. She feels sick then, ad she practically scrambles to the bathroom to empty her stomach. She wishes she hadn't eaten before answering the call because it's the most horrible feeling, having a full stomach being abruptly emptied into a toilet bowl. Makes her picture someone being disemboweled. She's sick again.

It hurts.

She lays in her bed, looking out the window and up at the crystalline clear sky. "The stars are beautiful" she whispers to herself. Like little pin pricks of light. And she lifts her hand, imagining herself plucking one right out of the sky and holding it in her hand. She can just imagine the warmth of it as it lay in her palm, like a butterfly made of heated light fluttering in her grasp, only to die out in a flash.

She isn't crying, though. She hasn't cried in years. Even when she feels terrible about yelling at someone, or even thinking about yelling at someone, knowing that it's her, not them who has the problem. She doesn't cry.

All she can do is look up at the sky with eyes bleeding into crimson as he holds the tears back, her teeth feeling sharp against her lip as she bites herself and remembers the words she wished she had said five years ago. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If I could give you the moon and sky I would, just don't go.

It hurts.

But she only smiles bitterly.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

In Which..Once again, Colorgenics Test

Name: Vivi
Date: 3/30/2009
Colorgenics Number: 73205164

Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.

You are a fighter and always on the defensive. You always need to be sure that your position is safe and established. When you finally make a decision you will pursue it to the bitter end in spite of all opposition.

You feel very lonely and frustrated at this time but your shyness and modesty precludes you from establishing any deep form of relationship. You feel rather isolated and alone. You are egocentric and you believe that you are always right - well maybe you are - but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

And once again, the test has dysmal results. Smile and the world smiles with you? Umm... right. Fudge that, I'd rather go out for some ramen.. >.>

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

In Which I go to a BoA Concert!!

Saturday was AWESOME!! JUst as the title states, I went to a free BoA mini-concert at Universal Studios! I was ale to get some good footage from where we were; on the balcony.

Plus after the rehearsal, I was able to take a bunch of good pics up close... or as close as i could get... >..> Which was still pretty close XDD

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

In which I gave you my wings... Dialogue of a Tearful Butterfly and its Beloved Boy

Iridescent eyes looked into black, and a small smile appeared on his face.

“I don’t want to be selfish.” he whispered, his voice as soft ad quiet as a gentle breeze, “But… I’ve always wanted you to see only me.”

“Let go of your ambitions, forget about your past
and look at only me until I die.
I promise it won’t be too long,
remember butterflies only live for a few days.”

A silence followed, and he looked away, “I am… a terrible person, to ask for such a thing. That thing which you aim, it’s important, right? And here I am, life after life, distracting you from it. But…”  He looked back up at the other boy, eyes desperate and filled with a love and longing that spanned lifetimes, “You are not happy like this! Every time, every time I look for you, you’re not happy.

“And when you see me and I touch your face you smile! How could that be a lie in my eyes!? I gave you my wings, and I’ll give them again only to see you smile! Just say you love me! Say you love me and I will be yours again…”

He became quiet, and his thinning hands clasped the boy’s strong ones, “If I have to wait another lifetime to feel your love again, I will.” the butterfly whispered, bringing their hands up to his lips and kissing the beloved fingers.

He was becoming thin, though. His life and colors becoming grayer and grayer, blending into the black and white background of the forgotten valley.

“I want to wait, and my heart wants to wait, but my soul… “ And he couldn't say it. His soul would shatter after so much use. After so many rejections.

“What would you do?” he asked softly, brokenly, “With such a love, do you think I should give you up? I want to see the butterflies only with you..”

The boy only took his hands away, despite the pulling in his heart, how he wanted to take the other in his arms and never let him go. It was still too confusing, how anybody could have a love so strong as the person before him. It was almost transcendent. and damning at the same time.

Finally, he looked at the one before him, black eyes meeting eyes as dusty ad colorful as a dragonfly’s wings, or a butterflies, “I have a mission that even love cant hinder.” he said, and his heart almost bled at the look on the other’s face. A mixture of aguish and love, and all kinds of emotions that a mere boy could never understand, all hidden behind a smile.

“Is love not your mission?” the butterfly asked softly.

“No.” He replied. Short and to the point. He didn't think he would be able to say anything else. Not with that look on the others face, the now closed expression in his eyes. But he continued, knowing he was right, but hating himself for every word. Why could the other not understand!? “You have wasted your time, searching for something that doesn't exist.”

The butterfly’s lips only curled into a sad smile, almost bitter, but too sweet and in love to be anything but understanding, “It’s not wasted time… not when it was with you.“ Colorful eyes watched as his boy walked away.

“At least… I did get to see you one last time. And…”

A cough erupted from his mouth, and he covered his lips with one hand, hiding the foamy blood that began to gather from his lungs.

The boy didn't notice, and kept walking. All the butterfly could do was watch sadly and lovingly as the most beloved in his heart walked away once more. just like every other lifetime, each and every one.


And the butterfly fell from the sky.



Wow, deppressingness. This is actually not a scene i was planning to put into the story I began writing. The story itself is very depressing, and as hinted above, the boy leaves the butterfly, and the butterfly dies. Very depressing, but what can i say? I’m a very depressing person. Anyway… After writing this, I might just decide to put it in… Depends…

Can anyone guess which character was modeled after me? X3

Bet you can’t~

Saturday, March 14, 2009

In Which…

I saw your smile across the street
against the fog of my mind, a sweet
and unbroken chain of mine
that all consumed this heart.
And it wasn't for me,
but I don't care, it’s a start.

I can’t hear you,
Speak louder!
I’m trying to chase you down that road
I’m trying to reach you
let me touch you
with these scarred but unbroken hands

I see those eyes inside my dreams
clouds brimming full of screams
that echo, inside my mind
and I lean back against the rooftop wall
as i listen to your all
consuming pain
and shame, inside your hands

I see those smiles across the room
glass shattering onto the ground
and you keep walking against the wind
I can save you

Like you saved me.

I can’t hear you,
Please Speak louder!
I’m trying to chase you down that road
I’m trying to reach you
let me touch you
with these scarred but unbroken hands.

I’ll reach you through chain link fences
and whispers passed through halls.
I have my hand over my heart
a prayer upon my lips.

And again.

I can’t hear you,
Speak louder!
I’m trying to chase you down that road
I’m trying to reach you
let me touch you
with these scarred but unbroken hands.

Can you hear me?
I’ll speak louder!
as I chase you down that road!
You can keep on running, but i know
that one day you’ll reach a dead end
and we’ll be able to touch
with these scarred but unbroken hands.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

In Which Absolute Freedom! I have my own computer!!

Anyway~ My mom bought me my own pc! See, our computer had died from overuse, and before, I was hoping that we could just get it fixed so that we could finally use it. Unfortunately, it turns out that the whole hard disk fried and it would have cost a lot to get the OS disk. So in the end she bought a new computer.

The great thing, though, was that she decided to buy me a computer too! Since we were always fighting for use of the old one, I guess that’s why it died, since it was almost never off. So now I have my own pc that i ca start using the minute i get home, and its sooooo cool!

Unfortunately, the monitor doesnt have speakers, but what he heck, my OWN PC!! Ill be getting speakers soon anyway, so right on!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

In Which I am My Favorite Tea

You Are Black Tea

You have a bold personality. You're not afraid of simply being yourself.

You have the courage to speak the truth. You are fearless in your actions.

You come off as a bit intimidating and unapproachable. Only confident people are attracted to you.

You don't try to scare off anyone. You're just an intense person!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

In Which…

Hold these wings softly
they break ever so easily.
Tell me you love me
tell me you care
tell me the future isn’t so bare.
I think that they’re failing
from so highly flying.
It’s the only things
I ever see in my dreams
the things I can never be
that angels will only see
these butterfly wings are too frail
to get there.
Tell me you love me
tell me you care
tell me the future isn’t so bare
and hold me until I can reach heaven

In Which, Happiness! I Went to Little Tokyo~

As said in the title, I went to Little Tokyo yesterday. It was raining, and of course we got wet (i went with my friends Julie and Sara) But we had so much fun! First of all, I was able to get the school supplies I needed. I bought new colored pencils, because despite how much i loved my woodless pencils, I admit it was pretty stupid of me to think they would last in my backpack T-T . Also I Finally found Brace Story! (Happy Dance) While my mom was angry at me for spending money on something ‘useless’(LIES~ no book is useless!) I am still thrilled to finally find the beautiful hardback copy of the book I’ve been wanting to read for a two whole years!

Well. in the end, the food was more expensive than the stuff we bought, in my opinion, but we were happy. We ate mochi ice cream (which Juju LOVES now) and karaage (which Juju and I LOVE) and ramen… which wasn’t that good (BLASPHEMY). I was also able to find some makeup in the 99 cents store >.> (some people may want to kill  me, but this stuff actually works on my cheapo face XD. Anyway, I have to go to school in.. 2 minutes, so this post is done!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

In Which Stress About My Future...

There's only one thing I want to say at the beginning of this Post: I HATE the government. Either that or the government hates me. I thin kit's the latter, because If it was nice to me, I wouldnt have much problems with it.

First of all, Fafsa is screwing with me. Ive been trying to apply to the damn thing so i can go to college, because God knows, I have no money to pay for it myself, but it just WONT cooperate! Not only that, but I had printed seven pages of Fafsa information only to find that it was useless since ir hadn't been confirmed! ARGH!!

Second of all, this whole government screwing me over doesnt end there! Oh no, they intend to make my life adequately miserable even through my last year of high school. It's like they're trting to remind me that I'm still a poor loser and arent going anywhere. Damn them. Anyway... In this version of screwing me over is: I dont get lunch tickets anymore! I have no money to buy food to eat at home, and now I can't even eat at school! They say it's because I dont have medical, but seriously..

And this all ties in to how this affects me emotionally as well as financially. First of all, tthe whole thing could have been evaded if my grandma had just signed a letter saying my mother and I were dependent on her, but she always refused. For a whole year we tried to persuade her, but she would just sit there and stare at the paper and get angry, saying we wanted to steal her money or some shit like that. In the end she finally signed the damn letter but iwas already too late and we were refused! So we werent given medical, and we werent given foodstamps or WIC despite my kid brother still being 3 at the time.

During this time I had a stable job, and i was being driven there by my uncle. It payed minumum wage for hard labor (plant nursery) but it was worth it to have my own money, you know. Anyway...The place was very far from where i live and it took two hours to get there by bus, so i asked my uncle to take me. After a few months and once I had started schol, I had to reduce my hours, and then my uncle decided that he want going to drive me anymore. Thanks a lot, blood relation. In the end I had to quit before I got fired, and I was very sad to go because I liked it there. But now the whole thing is that my uncle is always telling me I'm lazy because I have no job. Bub, thanks to who? Not only that but it's nea impossible to get hired at the very moment because of the stupid recession.

So here I am today, trying to fill out this fafsa and am so stressed out I start arguing with my computer screen and my uncle gets angry. So then i tell him the govt. is screwing with me because of not inly this but, also the lunch tickets. Of course, 'concerned' with my welfare he asks why. As if he didnt know. So then my mim mentions about the gran not signing the acursed letter, and he has the gall to get angry, saying im lazy and never do anything. Thanks a lot. really. Im so glad for his support. So the three of us, My mom, my uncle, and me get into a screaming match about who's fault it is, but you know what? I dont really CARE. All I care about is that, goddammit I want to go to college and without the damn fafsa i cant do anything!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

In Which I Discover I Need PSychological Help, ANYlogical Help....

After re-reading some IM messages I sent to a friend... I realized that I'm crazy, and may need a shrink... Though the problem we have with money doesn't really make that an option. Im just a depressed, sad, angry person...

The whole conversation started with how I was worried about a story I was hoping to co-publish with someone, and after i had pissed another friend off with my hateful attitude. Me? Hateful? Surely you are joking! Well, believe it or not... I am *sarcasm flowing like the Niagara Falls...*

Anyway... here goes:

all of [my stories] are important to me... they represent a stage of my life...

when i was religious,,, the sci fi story about a boy messiah saving us from weird aliens and his "apostles" which were a group of teenagers possessed by the spirits of alien angels... >.> sounds kinda stupid... but its sort of connected to my Lillith's daughter story...

the one where i defy monotheistic religion in favour of chaotic paganism...

then theres the one i turned into rp.. The Fever, in which i "channeled" my feelings of being left abandoned by my mom when she married her husband despite my warnings

hmmm, what else... th butterflies one, where i felt that my life was a cycle of neverending sacrifice for someone tht i loved, when the person would just forget me after i "disappeared" and how [my boyfriend] tried to "save" me from my depression like Micah saved Lonan,, only to end up dying at the end because of Lonan/my rejection

... all my stories cme from something so depressing...what else am i writing >.>

My Friend: you need to watch some happy stuff

...i know.. but watching and doing is a completely different thing, [censored by Vivi]. And for a long time, the depressing part has overshadowed most of my happy stuff.. either that... or im sick... but it certainly cant help that my mom's always yelling at me that im too depressed and bitchy and lazy and whiney and,,,, just bad...i should go see a shrink or something... but in the end they never help and its a waist of money...

the better ones are more expensive... an medical dont cover therapy unless its SERIOUS.. like endangering others kind of behaviour...

im a piece of work, arent i?

i wonder why people even like me... or do they even? and if they don't then why dont they tell me to just leave them the hell alone, like i would? ... and even of they do like me, once they get to know me they find me unlikeable, stupid, stubborn, depressing and just plain rude... though i know i cant really be rude... unless i dislike the person, and even then i'm too cowardly to be so bold to their face...

and yet I complain about speaking behind a person's back, which makes me a hypocrite, doesnt it? And although it's a small comfort to say that animals seem to like me, Loki is the only animal ive ever had for sch a long period of time...

[that post is censored, because it even scared me a little, now that i read it... dont even ask, as most people wll get a half-assed story about whatever comes to mind at the shortest amount of time...]

i dont KNOW why[im putting myself down!] ...perhaps because so many people have put me down already that is the only thing i know how to do honestly? even when i compliment people it's backhanded or sarcastic... im bitchy to everyone and bitchy to myself... what i dont understand is how i was HOMOcidal instead of SUIcidal when i was in middle school.. i was a pretty smart kid... i could have figured out sooner that the one with the problem was me ....
i just wish i could meet someone selfless that didnt DIE... then i would have a little bit to brighten up for... >.>

My Friend (bless her heart *no sarcasm whatsoever, surprisingly*):
you cant just hope for that you have to try to do something to make things better and not hope for someone else too

and another who says the same thing... although i hypocritically say it myself at times, we all know that it isnt true.. We all need something to look forward to, something that will save us, as [my late boyfriend's twin brother... yeah.. said boyfriend is dead...] told me once on more or less words... most likely less, since he never talked and therefore i probably interpreted it form a look he gave me when i was acting extremey pitiful. and since i KNOW that that will never happen again... it just makes me all the more cynical. I KNow I have to work for everything. I KNow that im on my own. I KNow that everything i say and do may seem like somethine a bitter old woman would compare to, but... sometimes i think the saving happened at the wrong time...

either that or im just hopeless and all the sacrifices made by people around me, FOR me, are rendered null and void by my thoughtless... or OVERthoughtful actions...

OR... im just making this up as i go, and [my boyfriend] was never real, and i was just using the persona of three imaginary friends to fill my loneliness... and maybe, None of the friends from Indiana are real.. and maybe i never even LIVED in Indiana, or Indiana as a figment of my imagination and that state doesnt even exist...

therefore making this conversation completely irrelevent in the schem of your life and my life... and perhaps i am just a figment of YOUR imagination,.. or vice versa...

and... fuck... nevermind... i am rendered speechless by my stupidity

which as i type makes it Ironic, because i have just SPOKEN, that i am speechless, making me a liar.. and in which you should never trust me again, because if i ever told someone i loved them, then how would they know, since i am a liar, that i am sincere.. and SINCE I just calle myself a liar, than doesnt that erase the FACT that im a liar, sinc a liar cant be trusted and therefore my statement of being a liar should be dismissed, making me HONEST...

-_-...someone shoot me...

My Friend: no

of course not, that would only be granting me a boon, which most certainly isnt on the top of ANYONES list, least of all mine. what I meant was figurative, not literary... and wthf am i saying

maybe its because im tired.. but then since im tured all my inhibitions are let loose and people see what kind of person I really am... or maybe im just cranky... but im never so coherent when i am well rested... if you can call this coherent... perhaps you can call it...

actually i forget the word for the way im typing.. and oddly, I;m speaking alod as i write... or perhaps im not, because if i was my mom would wake up..

and i certainly do NOT want that,, no no, especially if im being so.. how do you say.. annoying, but in another form,... i dont want to be kicked out of the computer just yet...

The conversation died at exactly that point, when i realized i had probably driven my OWN friend mad, meanwhile not even releasing a small percentage of my frustrations... guess the only ones who can take me are the ones who die quick. I guess theyre better off that way. I mean who wants to live hearing my depressing voice when they forget to not remember?

Most of my friend's posts were not put here, since they are... somewhat short, and despite the horrifyingly bad grammar in my IM-ing, I was too lazy to proofread most of it... i just replaced names and stuff...

Wow... I really am a piece of work...