Take me away

Take me away from such a world
where children cry for things easily avoided
for something lost, or stolen.

Take me away,
to a place where skies are endless,
to where arms are at their warmest
and a smile can fix everything that's broken

I'm tired of this repetition
this endless expedition
into the darkness of one's heart
and how such a thing can lead to more

Take me away from such a world
where lovers hate each other
where families stab one another

Take me away,
to a place where one sleeps easy
a place where life is lived happy
and hands are used for holding things one love.

Please dear angel, dear star in hazy skies
heal the times long tarnished
by the fear and anger hate's brandished
and take me away from such a world

I feel bad for not posting in a while... work is killing my brain cells.

There she is standing with her back against a blank wall
Smiling with her heart held on her head like an apple waiting for the shot
she doesn't like wearing it out on her long sleeve
or looking down from dreams of castles made out of glass.

You've got to bring it down with one of cupid's arrows
or say a word that will wake her up again.
You've got to promise her with a smile of your own
Your boxed up heart held up to hers in red-white target

Take a breath and follow her into her dreams and stories.
Make a pact with endless skies to bring her back again and help her as
she takes Glasswing castles down from memories unwanted.
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against the slowly falling wall.

You can say she tries to fly with her feet still on the ground.

Let your crimson cupid's bow make honeyed arrows fly true.
Pierce the drying apple balanced on her head in one smooth blow.
Doesn't matter much if it hurts and turns into a bruise
as long as your there to promise with that smile of yours.

You've got to bring it down with one of cupids arrows
You've got to promise your heart to her glass made red-white castle.

Take a breath and follow her into her floating castles
Make a heart-felt promise with the soul inside her starlit eyes as
she takes Glasswing castles down from memories rewoven
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against the slowly falling wall.

Put your back up against the wall.
Lift your hands up towards the air.
Let your heart fall against hers in the chest between you.

Don't look down from both your dreams
keep on smiling towards each other.
hearts made of glass in dreams woven between your fingers .

Take a breath and follow her into her whispered wishes
Make a love-filled promise with the heart held in your hands as
she builds Glasswing castles up from memories unraveled
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against the climbing wall

Take a breath and follow her into her glass made castles
Make a paradise for you with both your dreams and stories
she builds Glasswing castles up from unraveled memories
Arms outstretched towards the sky with back against eternal wall

You can say she's flying with her feet still touching ground.

Smiling with your hearts held on her head like an apple waiting for the shot.
She's not flying by herself anymore.

In Which Stress About My Future...

There's only one thing I want to say at the beginning of this Post: I HATE the government. Either that or the government hates me. I thin kit's the latter, because If it was nice to me, I wouldnt have much problems with it.

First of all, Fafsa is screwing with me. Ive been trying to apply to the damn thing so i can go to college, because God knows, I have no money to pay for it myself, but it just WONT cooperate! Not only that, but I had printed seven pages of Fafsa information only to find that it was useless since ir hadn't been confirmed! ARGH!!

Second of all, this whole government screwing me over doesnt end there! Oh no, they intend to make my life adequately miserable even through my last year of high school. It's like they're trting to remind me that I'm still a poor loser and arent going anywhere. Damn them. Anyway... In this version of screwing me over is: I dont get lunch tickets anymore! I have no money to buy food to eat at home, and now I can't even eat at school! They say it's because I dont have medical, but seriously..

And this all ties in to how this affects me emotionally as well as financially. First of all, tthe whole thing could have been evaded if my grandma had just signed a letter saying my mother and I were dependent on her, but she always refused. For a whole year we tried to persuade her, but she would just sit there and stare at the paper and get angry, saying we wanted to steal her money or some shit like that. In the end she finally signed the damn letter but iwas already too late and we were refused! So we werent given medical, and we werent given foodstamps or WIC despite my kid brother still being 3 at the time.

During this time I had a stable job, and i was being driven there by my uncle. It payed minumum wage for hard labor (plant nursery) but it was worth it to have my own money, you know. Anyway...The place was very far from where i live and it took two hours to get there by bus, so i asked my uncle to take me. After a few months and once I had started schol, I had to reduce my hours, and then my uncle decided that he want going to drive me anymore. Thanks a lot, blood relation. In the end I had to quit before I got fired, and I was very sad to go because I liked it there. But now the whole thing is that my uncle is always telling me I'm lazy because I have no job. Bub, thanks to who? Not only that but it's nea impossible to get hired at the very moment because of the stupid recession.

So here I am today, trying to fill out this fafsa and am so stressed out I start arguing with my computer screen and my uncle gets angry. So then i tell him the govt. is screwing with me because of not inly this but, also the lunch tickets. Of course, 'concerned' with my welfare he asks why. As if he didnt know. So then my mim mentions about the gran not signing the acursed letter, and he has the gall to get angry, saying im lazy and never do anything. Thanks a lot. really. Im so glad for his support. So the three of us, My mom, my uncle, and me get into a screaming match about who's fault it is, but you know what? I dont really CARE. All I care about is that, goddammit I want to go to college and without the damn fafsa i cant do anything!

In Which Dammit, I'm sick Again!

Normally one isnt happy to get sick at all, but I am one of the lucky people *note the sarcasm* that gets sick the day right after Christmas. Oh life is a cruel mistress. I woke up early on the 26th since everything was going to be on sale. Of course, it was freezing and I, unluckily, got there an hour before they opened. Doesnt Walmart Open at 6? *sigh*

Anyway, I was able to get most of the stuff I wanted, except for rain boots. The ones they had were hideous, and didnt even fit. By the time I got out of the store I was feeling pretty weak, so hurriedly I went back home.. another empty bus ride. Once I got home though, I had concluded that I had gotten sick as well. I guess that happens when you get up so early and into the cold. ]

I spent most of the day sleeping after I watched Price Caspian, who by the way is utterly sexy... though I prefer Edmund. lol. I had a slight fever when I woke up later, and had a horrible headache which i tried to alleviate with Tylenol. I swar that stuff dont work on me! T-T All in all, it was a pretty crappy day except for the Narnia movie and getting my goods from the store. Now excuse me, I'm going back to sleep now.

In Which I Take a Baby Step to Achieve my Goals

What Inspires ME?

1) What do I enjoy doing? Why?
There are many things that I enjoy, so much so that I don’t even know what to say first when I am asked these types of questions.

OK, let's see... I like to read, a LOT. Before I used to read mostly hard copy books, but now I usually do most of my reading online. bummer.

I like to paint and draw, though now I barely have time to do it.

I like writing, which kind of ties in to reading, but I mostly write in rps. Role-playing, baby!

I like listening to music, it helps me think and keeps my mind occupied off of other unpleasant things.

Singing, because, like listening to music, it keeps me occupied.

I like playing with my friends. Really playing, as in tag and hide and seek. I never had enough of that as a kid.

2) What don't you enjoy doing? Why?
... That's a toughie. I think I probably dislike more things than I like.

I don’t enjoy going to large parties. They are too noisy, and i dislike being around people I do not know. Partially this is because I have a penchant for attracting bad luck, like stalkers and people that want to hurt me.

I don’t like speaking in front of class because my thoughts can be too fast so my poor mouth, trying to catch up ends up stuttering.

I don’t like going to the grocery store by myself anymore because strangers follow me around. I used to like going out so I could clear my mind, but with those stalkers… yeah.

I don’t like being ignored. No, let me rephrase that. I hate being ignored. I had enough of that while I was in Indiana to be ignored her, much less by my friends… but that’s not really something I do. Lol.

I absolutely abhor speaking to dumb people that just. don’t. get. it. It’s a waist of my time speaking to them, and they don want to learn, too stubborn wallowing in their own filthy thoughts… Goodness I’m such a bitch.

3) What do you like to read about?
Most of the books I read are fantasy and adventure, to escape from currently horribly and stressful life, romantic horror and self-help books. I like reading philosophy books and books about different religions. Basically I like reading just about anything except those dumb chick fics, like books about popular girls and high school. I live it and find it annoying enough already, therefore I don’t need to read it.

4) What gives meaning and purpose to my Life?
Oh dear. Well, actually, I don’t really know. I could say I’m a romantic and believe in true love, but I’m also a pessimist and am sure it will never happen to me. And if it did already, my man is dead. *sigh* What gives meaning to my life… I am so lost in this one. My life has no purpose, no life has a designated purpose… but if I could say I had a purpose, it would be to make people think since I despise stupid people.

5) What are my talents and skills? How might I improve them?
As said above, my skills consist of:

Drawing/Painting: I can always take more drawing classes once I graduate. Maybe take a good figure drawing class, and once I have a job, be able to buy a good set of art supplies that I want. I currently am itching for a field easel, some oil paints, and of course a few canvases.

Writing: I love writing stories and ranting about my life like the over emotional teenager that I am. Also, poetry and songwriting is another thing I like, despite not being able to read music. Lol me, I just write lyrics. A way that I would like to improve my writing skills and my vocabulary (which I think is dying, courtesy of stupid beaners around me) is to learn how to write better essays. I hate writing essays, not because the essays themselves, but because I hate being unable to do something.

Singing: Well, the only way to get better at singing is to keep doing it, so that's just what I'm going to have to do. lol.

Cooking: I love food. No. I ADORE food! I like making it, and i like eating it, I like looking at it cuz it's pretty. Edible art. In order to become a better cook, I guess I'll just have to cook a lot and look at different ways to do it.

6) What do I most often daydream about?

I mostly daydream about the stories or rpgs I'm in, like how I can develop the plot further or what my character will be doing next.

In Which December 1st Marked the Beginning of a Stressful Week

As stated in the title, I have had one of the most stressful weeks of the year. Although I can say that not everything about the week was bad, one could even say that it was a very exciting week, but I will argue to say that: what comes up must come down. I had some very high points to the week, but also had some very low points.

Monday (12/1/09)

I woke up extremely excited that morning because we were going to go to court as a field trip for my government class. Of course, I, wanting to take as much time getting ready to go, woke up half an hour earlier and turned on the coffee maker. The smell of this elixir of life woke me up immediately... or so i thought. In my still drowzy state, I had decided to wear wedges to court, thinking that since I would most likely be sitting down the whole time, I wouldn't have to worry about my feet hurting. Ohoho boy, was I ever wrong.

Not only did I forget to actually take the coffee i had so painstakenly prepared, but my feet began to hurt right about the time we got to court. When I cared to check i found that the shoes had rubbed my toes raw to the point where one of them was "skinned." Not a pretty sight and more painful than it seemed. But I'm not mexican for nothing, so I sucked it up all day until we finally came back to school around 5th period. Then, I let myself go and went crying to the nurse like a baby. My feet were bleeding by then. Smartie me. Of course, I called my mom and she came to pick me up, bringing the best, most comfortable shoes I have ever bought. Thank you L.A. I hobbled back home with my mom and brother, taking the bus and all that, and finally was able to rest and put my feet up.

Tuesday (12/2/09)
Nothing much happened that day besides me being in too much pain to put on my shoes. I promised myself on this day that i would never wear heels again. Let's see how long that holds up.


Wednesday(12/3/09)
Another field trip day, only this time for vocal ensemble. All of us went to the Calabasas Country Club..in our formal attire, meaning we had to wear those hideous red dresses. From what I hear, they were the best looking ones... though I wish they had come in black. Oh well. Red is the color of Christmas, so I guess it's ok. Anyway, The actual field trip was very entertaining. Even for us, who were supposed to be the ones entertaining the older folk, but We had fun. We were given LOTS, and i mean LOTS of sweets. I almost got a stomach ache from all the cookies and brownies i ate, but the ladies were very amiable and we all had fun singing with the elderly. One of the ladies even started crying because we "looked so cute." Too soon, though, it was over, and we had to return to school, though we did take a lot of group pictures, even a few "religious" group pictures which were very funny. We got to school on time for 6th period so I had fun on the computer for one hour, and then went to Merchandise class.

Thursday(12/4/08)
The most horrible day of the week. Again, I forgot to bring my coffee to school, so I practically fell asleep in class..actually i did. My friend had to wake me up. In my psychology class i found out that my "partners" had told the teacher that I hadnt wanted to participate. How far from the truth their statement could be... They never gave me the opportunity to participate, always wanting to do the psychology experiment after school, when i had made it clear that I was unable to because of my after school class. Did they care, of course not. I asked them if we could do the project on the weekend but no, they wanted to hang out together on saturday, so they ended up doing it during lunch without telling me. And i even went so far as giving them my email so they could send me the information and i could neaten it up a little, but they never did, saying that it was because i was absent... like that has anything to do with them not emailingme.

Anyway, the teacher gave me only a few more days to do my own experiment by myself, when they had a whole month to do it together. Thanks a lot. Very helpful. Though i di appreciate the chance, it was a very small one for something i didnt do. I hate the living. lol.

Friday(12/5/08)
Actually nothing special happened, besides me waking up with massive amounts of pain in my back and stress. Thanks a lot, "partners" I hope your christian god gives you your's. Now I know that i sound like a childish whiner, but it really pisses me off, and i still am pissed off. Although I cant wait to go to the ballet tomorrow, I am stressed out so fully that anyone tapping me on the arm has me jumping a mile in the air. I will not have time during the weekend to do my project though the teacher says that "it only takes an hour." Yeah? well how about actually getting help to film myself doing the experiment. If I'm lucky I wont have to take a picture of myself, though i now I'll be too busy at the ballet to take pictures anyway. Goddess give me patience so I dont go bonkers on God's people. Why are Christians still out to get us?

In Which...I am sick!! Oh noes!!

Just as the title says...I am sick. *gasp*On friday I woke up with the most horrible backache I've ever had since I fell out of that tree in sixth grade...and that's saying a lot. Well anyway, I braved through this ordeal over the weekend, stoically taking the horrible as bravely as possible.

The end of the weekend, though, brought a whole new set of problems, mainly getting ready for school. Not only was I being attacked by agonizing back pain, I was also coming on with the flu! ..or a cold, or whatever... The bottom line is that neither is pleasant...and just befor Thanksgiving, too!

But I promise I wont succumb to this bug! I will bravely stare the sickness down, and I will triumph, using all the Wiccan powers I have!...including eating lots of onion and hot peppers.


And for another poem I wrote during breakfast...

His eyes reflect like mirror shards
lost by the Snow Queen.
He is beautiful
but only seeing the ugliness of the world
he shatters every time
You take him.
Mosaic of my breaking love
my breath ghosting over
eyes as sharp as glass.
Perfect seeing only evil
ice flowing through his veins
until they reach his heart.
He becomes mine.

In which I lose another ounce of my patience and move one step closer to committing mass murder from a neurotic breakdown. (11/18/08)

Once more it seems that my family is out to institutionalize me, because unless they really are clueless, then I am just crazy. I know that I have no patience for people, and teachers and my friends will tell you this straight out. I don’t like you. Why else would I spend my days writing in search for the deeper meaning of people’s idiocy?

Well this is beside the point…or actually right on point. Most teenagers go home after school relieved, seeking to relax from a stressful day of classes, nightmare-inducing teachers (or so they say. In my opinion, they should just suck it up and move along), and the drama of teenage life (O-M-G she said what!?). I on the other hand, dread coming back home. It is not that I have abusive parents or anything like that, its just that they literally drive me crazy. As literally crazy as one can get and still be able to write cohesively.

Now I will tell you what happened today: I come home from fashion merchandising class, hungry, tired, and hoping that for once, someone home had listened to me and cooked the leftover ground beef I had left in the kitchen on Sunday. Yes it has been two days…Goddess help me Mrs. West. Needless to say, my wish was not granted, and once I asked my mother if she was going to do it, she just answered, “Cook it then.”

Did I mention I was hungry and tired? So I, in my tired confusion, asked my grandmother, with all the subtlety one uses with a kindergartener, to roll up the ground beef into little pieces and cook it in a pan. Then I went to go take a nap. What does my grandmother do? Certainly not what I asked her to. She mixed in chunks of onion and tomatoes into the meat and then came to wake me up to tell me that there was something wrong with the meat.

Besides being two days old, what else could be wrong with it, I wonder? So I go to the kitchen, grouchy and still tired, and can you blame me? So I tried to salvage the mixture of ground meat and gigantic chunks of…whatever, essentially doing what I asked her to do for me. Can you believe she wanted to put baking soda, into it? The meat, however, was not in the mood to cooperate, sticking to the pan, crumbling away and leaving burnt pieces of onion, not even trying to retain any resemblance to a meatball.

By now, all forms of patience are dissolving, like the meatballs I’m trying to cook, and I notice that my grandmother, in all her apologetic glory, sits herself down and starts doing crossword puzzles. That was the straw that broke the camel…or in my case, penguin-rabbit hybrid’s back. “You know what? You do it!” I declared, throwing the spatula down, “You had the brilliant idea to add to my recipe. You know so much about cooking to defy my methods. You can finish this!” In Spanish, of course.

By now my grandmother is giving the whole, ‘I will do anything you want, I am just a poor old woman’ act, and that aggravates me all the more. But just because I have given up on cooking the disaster of a meal myself, doesn’t mean I will let her have free reign, otherwise, there wouldn’t be much of a meal left. Now I will say, my grandmother is not a bad cook. She really does know what she’s doing…with recipes she’s known forever. But give her something new, and it’s a recipe (pun intended) for disaster and another debilitating headache. She was going to use oil to cook the meatballs. Oil with ground beef!

Another cause for headaches? People who question the reasons for my racism against my own ethnic group, Latino Americans, and prejudice against the clans of stupid people at school just piss me off to no end. All the complaints about drama, so called teenage romance, and the unfairness from teachers is enough to make me sick. I’m not saying I’m above drama. I have had fights with fellow students, and did get punched in the face over petty anger on my part. But you know what? I let it go. *Audience gasps* Seriously, I know we were both in the wrong, and I was the one that lost…badly, I admit.

But the grudges, the smack-talking, the gossiping, the sheer beaner-ness of everything is to say the least, tiring. Have a horrible teacher? Ever tried to shut up and let the teacher actually teach? And if that’s not it, then suck it up, cuz they hold your grades in their hands and can tip the scale in your favor toward success or away into working night shifts at Wal-mart. Have drama? Take your head out of your posterior and look around at the pretty flowers, because I guarantee its not as bad as you think it is…unless you’re pregnant. Then you got to hit yourself upside the head for being stupid enough to have sex in the first place. And the much laughed at and most idiotic comeback: “But I love him!”… Just no. Shut. The. Heck. Up. Because you’re killing my much needed brain cells. You were raped you say? Day after pill, oh martyred one. Jeez.

Enough ranting… All I have to say in the end, is that I learned a new lesson today. Do not expect stupid people to understand the meaning of life. Do not expect stupid people to suddenly grow some brain cells. And most important: Do not let stupid people drag you down into insanity. In the wise words of Ron White, “You can’t fix stupid.”

In Which The Boredom Continues… (11/16/08)

And still the Internet (porn) does not work. My mother and I are so bored that we decided to clean things. Imagine… We are doing housework *collected gasps*

Therefore, in order to relieve boredom, my mother has been sending me to run errands. Which incidentally, always end up with me being followed by some unknown male. Like today for example. I went grocery shopping. All went well, as I got everything I had on the list, maybe going a bit overboard and having to leave some things behind. Otherwise I was able to get a good 90% of the things listed. I had a good cashier, also because the line was not long, or nonexistent. The cart gave me a little trouble on the way home, and as I was passing by a bus returning children from Sunday school, too. Coincidence? I think not. It seems the Christian god is still out to thwart us pagans in the world,

Well, anyway, as I was coming back home from grocery shopping, tugging along a goddess knows how heavy cart, when this strange guy comes along and asks me if he can help me. Now I’m not a prejudice person…ok yes I am, I don’t like Mexicans, and this guy had Apocalypto and cholo written all over his face… and his neck, and back, and arms…So I just smiled and went my merry way, trying to keep a safe distance. Imagine my surprise when he walks right up to my apartment building and opens the door for me… talk about awkward. Then he helps me take the cart down the stairs without breaking the eggs. All this was done without me saying a word, as, ironically, I’m very adept at acting like a mute. Turns out the guy is friends with the crazy dude next door who does drugs and threatened to kill everybody in the apartment building. Who says my judgment is flawed?

In Which The Fires Of My Land Silence Me… (11/15/08)

Because otherwise, I’d be online talking up a storm, looking up colleges, role-playing, or looking for anyway out of this god-forsaken… I admit it; I’m a nerd. But anyways, imagine my surprise when I woke up to smell ash up my nostrils…not very pleasant. Not only that, but somehow the fire made it so the Internet (is for porn), the television, and the telephone don’t work. So there’s no possible way to communicate with anybody unless I go outside. If you know me you know that is not an option. I don’t talk to my neighbors. I am cut off from society. Oh the tragedy.

So I have no way to vent now. No way to explain how awesome my night was yesterday. I mean, I went with two of my friends after classes to a curry restaurant. Though I can’t help but feel a little bad because I always end up mooching off of them. But we always have fun in the end.

Anyway. One would not believe how bored I was all day. It seems there really not much to do on the computer when there isn’t any Internet (porn). I keep wondering if maybe I should have gone to the library, but my recent incidents with sunlight-induced headaches takes away my doubts. I am not an outside person. Or I am, but only if it is dusk or its so cloudy it might as well be evening. I hope I’m not one of those vampire kids, but then again I figure I’m not otherwise I would already be becoming paralyzed or something. Thank goodness I am not, then. But back to the subject of how bored I am.

What angers me the most is the fact that the day right after I started this blog, the Internet (porn) decides to bite the dust. Meaning, of course, no updating of the blog. Until then, I will keep writing on my word processor and post these blogs once my net is up and running. Vivi out.

In Which Stress Attacks The Mind

Now as most teenagers know, high school is filled with stress. Whether from the actual school work or from relationships that don't go exactly as planned, every person, even outside of high school has their fair share of stress, and I am no different.

I had not really complained about stress throughout most of my life, being a sort of laid back(lazy) easygoing person. Though now I am assaulted by the tornado that is college applications and the search for financial aid. I am not going to go all out and say that I'm poor, though at school I usually make a joke of my financial problems, but I will go ahead and say that I need all the help I can get to make it into college. I do not want to end up living off of welfare for the rest of my life or sharing an apartment with my mother. The strain on trying to become independent without mooching off of her in the meanwhile is enough to start giving me migraines...literally.

Now the start of my stress induced headaches came about sometime in the beginning of the year when I realized, Hey, I'm a senior, I have to go to college next year...imagine that. Well, anyway, this shocking revelation led me to the college office, where i dove into the haystack of colleges, researching and trying to figure out just what I want to spend the rest of my life doing as a career. I, who was used to just following instructions, had to go out and figure stuff out for myself. Talk about being out of my element.

First of all there's the problem of actually deciding on what career path to choose, whether culinary arts, since i love food, visual arts, since I like to paint, draw, etc., Music, because I like to sing, Literature, for my love of writing and reading, photography, because I like... well photography, or becoming a teacher because I like to torture small children...That was a joke. Anyway, there's the rush of finding your major so I can actually go to college, then there's the rush on finding a college.

I'm not going to say that I hate community colleges, but I know that If I start there, I will never get out of that. I know myself. I'm easygoing (lazy), passive, and don't like to stress too much(which makes my current predicament all the more stressful... and of course the family doesn't really help) So I really want to hurry up and find the college or university where I will be happy for the next four years, learning what I need to know to enjoy the next fifty or so years of my life. It's just that, the headaches make me giddy.