Tuesday, February 17, 2009

In Which I am My Favorite Tea

You Are Black Tea

You have a bold personality. You're not afraid of simply being yourself.

You have the courage to speak the truth. You are fearless in your actions.

You come off as a bit intimidating and unapproachable. Only confident people are attracted to you.

You don't try to scare off anyone. You're just an intense person!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

In Which…

Hold these wings softly
they break ever so easily.
Tell me you love me
tell me you care
tell me the future isn’t so bare.
I think that they’re failing
from so highly flying.
It’s the only things
I ever see in my dreams
the things I can never be
that angels will only see
these butterfly wings are too frail
to get there.
Tell me you love me
tell me you care
tell me the future isn’t so bare
and hold me until I can reach heaven

In Which, Happiness! I Went to Little Tokyo~

As said in the title, I went to Little Tokyo yesterday. It was raining, and of course we got wet (i went with my friends Julie and Sara) But we had so much fun! First of all, I was able to get the school supplies I needed. I bought new colored pencils, because despite how much i loved my woodless pencils, I admit it was pretty stupid of me to think they would last in my backpack T-T . Also I Finally found Brace Story! (Happy Dance) While my mom was angry at me for spending money on something ‘useless’(LIES~ no book is useless!) I am still thrilled to finally find the beautiful hardback copy of the book I’ve been wanting to read for a two whole years!

Well. in the end, the food was more expensive than the stuff we bought, in my opinion, but we were happy. We ate mochi ice cream (which Juju LOVES now) and karaage (which Juju and I LOVE) and ramen… which wasn’t that good (BLASPHEMY). I was also able to find some makeup in the 99 cents store >.> (some people may want to kill  me, but this stuff actually works on my cheapo face XD. Anyway, I have to go to school in.. 2 minutes, so this post is done!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

In Which Stress About My Future...

There's only one thing I want to say at the beginning of this Post: I HATE the government. Either that or the government hates me. I thin kit's the latter, because If it was nice to me, I wouldnt have much problems with it.

First of all, Fafsa is screwing with me. Ive been trying to apply to the damn thing so i can go to college, because God knows, I have no money to pay for it myself, but it just WONT cooperate! Not only that, but I had printed seven pages of Fafsa information only to find that it was useless since ir hadn't been confirmed! ARGH!!

Second of all, this whole government screwing me over doesnt end there! Oh no, they intend to make my life adequately miserable even through my last year of high school. It's like they're trting to remind me that I'm still a poor loser and arent going anywhere. Damn them. Anyway... In this version of screwing me over is: I dont get lunch tickets anymore! I have no money to buy food to eat at home, and now I can't even eat at school! They say it's because I dont have medical, but seriously..

And this all ties in to how this affects me emotionally as well as financially. First of all, tthe whole thing could have been evaded if my grandma had just signed a letter saying my mother and I were dependent on her, but she always refused. For a whole year we tried to persuade her, but she would just sit there and stare at the paper and get angry, saying we wanted to steal her money or some shit like that. In the end she finally signed the damn letter but iwas already too late and we were refused! So we werent given medical, and we werent given foodstamps or WIC despite my kid brother still being 3 at the time.

During this time I had a stable job, and i was being driven there by my uncle. It payed minumum wage for hard labor (plant nursery) but it was worth it to have my own money, you know. Anyway...The place was very far from where i live and it took two hours to get there by bus, so i asked my uncle to take me. After a few months and once I had started schol, I had to reduce my hours, and then my uncle decided that he want going to drive me anymore. Thanks a lot, blood relation. In the end I had to quit before I got fired, and I was very sad to go because I liked it there. But now the whole thing is that my uncle is always telling me I'm lazy because I have no job. Bub, thanks to who? Not only that but it's nea impossible to get hired at the very moment because of the stupid recession.

So here I am today, trying to fill out this fafsa and am so stressed out I start arguing with my computer screen and my uncle gets angry. So then i tell him the govt. is screwing with me because of not inly this but, also the lunch tickets. Of course, 'concerned' with my welfare he asks why. As if he didnt know. So then my mim mentions about the gran not signing the acursed letter, and he has the gall to get angry, saying im lazy and never do anything. Thanks a lot. really. Im so glad for his support. So the three of us, My mom, my uncle, and me get into a screaming match about who's fault it is, but you know what? I dont really CARE. All I care about is that, goddammit I want to go to college and without the damn fafsa i cant do anything!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

In Which I Discover I Need PSychological Help, ANYlogical Help....

After re-reading some IM messages I sent to a friend... I realized that I'm crazy, and may need a shrink... Though the problem we have with money doesn't really make that an option. Im just a depressed, sad, angry person...

The whole conversation started with how I was worried about a story I was hoping to co-publish with someone, and after i had pissed another friend off with my hateful attitude. Me? Hateful? Surely you are joking! Well, believe it or not... I am *sarcasm flowing like the Niagara Falls...*

Anyway... here goes:

all of [my stories] are important to me... they represent a stage of my life...

when i was religious,,, the sci fi story about a boy messiah saving us from weird aliens and his "apostles" which were a group of teenagers possessed by the spirits of alien angels... >.> sounds kinda stupid... but its sort of connected to my Lillith's daughter story...

the one where i defy monotheistic religion in favour of chaotic paganism...

then theres the one i turned into rp.. The Fever, in which i "channeled" my feelings of being left abandoned by my mom when she married her husband despite my warnings

hmmm, what else... th butterflies one, where i felt that my life was a cycle of neverending sacrifice for someone tht i loved, when the person would just forget me after i "disappeared" and how [my boyfriend] tried to "save" me from my depression like Micah saved Lonan,, only to end up dying at the end because of Lonan/my rejection

... all my stories cme from something so depressing...what else am i writing >.>

My Friend: you need to watch some happy stuff

...i know.. but watching and doing is a completely different thing, [censored by Vivi]. And for a long time, the depressing part has overshadowed most of my happy stuff.. either that... or im sick... but it certainly cant help that my mom's always yelling at me that im too depressed and bitchy and lazy and whiney and,,,, just bad...i should go see a shrink or something... but in the end they never help and its a waist of money...

the better ones are more expensive... an medical dont cover therapy unless its SERIOUS.. like endangering others kind of behaviour...

im a piece of work, arent i?

i wonder why people even like me... or do they even? and if they don't then why dont they tell me to just leave them the hell alone, like i would? ... and even of they do like me, once they get to know me they find me unlikeable, stupid, stubborn, depressing and just plain rude... though i know i cant really be rude... unless i dislike the person, and even then i'm too cowardly to be so bold to their face...

and yet I complain about speaking behind a person's back, which makes me a hypocrite, doesnt it? And although it's a small comfort to say that animals seem to like me, Loki is the only animal ive ever had for sch a long period of time...

[that post is censored, because it even scared me a little, now that i read it... dont even ask, as most people wll get a half-assed story about whatever comes to mind at the shortest amount of time...]

i dont KNOW why[im putting myself down!] ...perhaps because so many people have put me down already that is the only thing i know how to do honestly? even when i compliment people it's backhanded or sarcastic... im bitchy to everyone and bitchy to myself... what i dont understand is how i was HOMOcidal instead of SUIcidal when i was in middle school.. i was a pretty smart kid... i could have figured out sooner that the one with the problem was me ....
i just wish i could meet someone selfless that didnt DIE... then i would have a little bit to brighten up for... >.>

My Friend (bless her heart *no sarcasm whatsoever, surprisingly*):
you cant just hope for that you have to try to do something to make things better and not hope for someone else too

and another who says the same thing... although i hypocritically say it myself at times, we all know that it isnt true.. We all need something to look forward to, something that will save us, as [my late boyfriend's twin brother... yeah.. said boyfriend is dead...] told me once on more or less words... most likely less, since he never talked and therefore i probably interpreted it form a look he gave me when i was acting extremey pitiful. and since i KNOW that that will never happen again... it just makes me all the more cynical. I KNow I have to work for everything. I KNow that im on my own. I KNow that everything i say and do may seem like somethine a bitter old woman would compare to, but... sometimes i think the saving happened at the wrong time...

either that or im just hopeless and all the sacrifices made by people around me, FOR me, are rendered null and void by my thoughtless... or OVERthoughtful actions...

OR... im just making this up as i go, and [my boyfriend] was never real, and i was just using the persona of three imaginary friends to fill my loneliness... and maybe, None of the friends from Indiana are real.. and maybe i never even LIVED in Indiana, or Indiana as a figment of my imagination and that state doesnt even exist...

therefore making this conversation completely irrelevent in the schem of your life and my life... and perhaps i am just a figment of YOUR imagination,.. or vice versa...

and... fuck... nevermind... i am rendered speechless by my stupidity

which as i type makes it Ironic, because i have just SPOKEN, that i am speechless, making me a liar.. and in which you should never trust me again, because if i ever told someone i loved them, then how would they know, since i am a liar, that i am sincere.. and SINCE I just calle myself a liar, than doesnt that erase the FACT that im a liar, sinc a liar cant be trusted and therefore my statement of being a liar should be dismissed, making me HONEST...

-_-...someone shoot me...

My Friend: no

of course not, that would only be granting me a boon, which most certainly isnt on the top of ANYONES list, least of all mine. what I meant was figurative, not literary... and wthf am i saying

maybe its because im tired.. but then since im tured all my inhibitions are let loose and people see what kind of person I really am... or maybe im just cranky... but im never so coherent when i am well rested... if you can call this coherent... perhaps you can call it...

actually i forget the word for the way im typing.. and oddly, I;m speaking alod as i write... or perhaps im not, because if i was my mom would wake up..

and i certainly do NOT want that,, no no, especially if im being so.. how do you say.. annoying, but in another form,... i dont want to be kicked out of the computer just yet...

The conversation died at exactly that point, when i realized i had probably driven my OWN friend mad, meanwhile not even releasing a small percentage of my frustrations... guess the only ones who can take me are the ones who die quick. I guess theyre better off that way. I mean who wants to live hearing my depressing voice when they forget to not remember?

Most of my friend's posts were not put here, since they are... somewhat short, and despite the horrifyingly bad grammar in my IM-ing, I was too lazy to proofread most of it... i just replaced names and stuff...

Wow... I really am a piece of work...