In Which I write My New Year's Resolution

Its the dawn of a new era... the rise of a new age... and... the beginning of another grueling attempt to survive all that life throws at me.

Resolution #1: Lose ten pounds per month until I only weigh 110 pounds at the lowest. Recently I've noticed that I gained a LOT of weight since I lost my job. So much so that the doctors have started telling me I HAVE to lose some. I'll have to eat healthier for this and start exersicing...dammit.

Resolution #2: Get a Gosh darn Job! Seriously... I need money, and I have to get a job otherwise I'll be stuck living in this god-forsaken state

Resolution #3: Keep those grades up! no way i can stress this enough... not only must i keep these grades up, but also start filling college and scholarship applications... DO IT!

Resolution #4: Start trying to look your best, gosh darnit! After seeing those pictures of me with makeup on i realized im not that horrible looking. If i got up a few minutes earlier to put something on, it could make a big difference to the way I look. No only that, I have to start taking care of my hair.. get a new haircut or something cuz the split ends are driving me up the wall.

In Which Dammit, I'm sick Again!

Normally one isnt happy to get sick at all, but I am one of the lucky people *note the sarcasm* that gets sick the day right after Christmas. Oh life is a cruel mistress. I woke up early on the 26th since everything was going to be on sale. Of course, it was freezing and I, unluckily, got there an hour before they opened. Doesnt Walmart Open at 6? *sigh*

Anyway, I was able to get most of the stuff I wanted, except for rain boots. The ones they had were hideous, and didnt even fit. By the time I got out of the store I was feeling pretty weak, so hurriedly I went back home.. another empty bus ride. Once I got home though, I had concluded that I had gotten sick as well. I guess that happens when you get up so early and into the cold. ]

I spent most of the day sleeping after I watched Price Caspian, who by the way is utterly sexy... though I prefer Edmund. lol. I had a slight fever when I woke up later, and had a horrible headache which i tried to alleviate with Tylenol. I swar that stuff dont work on me! T-T All in all, it was a pretty crappy day except for the Narnia movie and getting my goods from the store. Now excuse me, I'm going back to sleep now.

Omar Photography

In Which I Take a Baby Step to Achieve my Goals

What Inspires ME?

1) What do I enjoy doing? Why?
There are many things that I enjoy, so much so that I don’t even know what to say first when I am asked these types of questions.

OK, let's see... I like to read, a LOT. Before I used to read mostly hard copy books, but now I usually do most of my reading online. bummer.

I like to paint and draw, though now I barely have time to do it.

I like writing, which kind of ties in to reading, but I mostly write in rps. Role-playing, baby!

I like listening to music, it helps me think and keeps my mind occupied off of other unpleasant things.

Singing, because, like listening to music, it keeps me occupied.

I like playing with my friends. Really playing, as in tag and hide and seek. I never had enough of that as a kid.

2) What don't you enjoy doing? Why?
... That's a toughie. I think I probably dislike more things than I like.

I don’t enjoy going to large parties. They are too noisy, and i dislike being around people I do not know. Partially this is because I have a penchant for attracting bad luck, like stalkers and people that want to hurt me.

I don’t like speaking in front of class because my thoughts can be too fast so my poor mouth, trying to catch up ends up stuttering.

I don’t like going to the grocery store by myself anymore because strangers follow me around. I used to like going out so I could clear my mind, but with those stalkers… yeah.

I don’t like being ignored. No, let me rephrase that. I hate being ignored. I had enough of that while I was in Indiana to be ignored her, much less by my friends… but that’s not really something I do. Lol.

I absolutely abhor speaking to dumb people that just. don’t. get. it. It’s a waist of my time speaking to them, and they don want to learn, too stubborn wallowing in their own filthy thoughts… Goodness I’m such a bitch.

3) What do you like to read about?
Most of the books I read are fantasy and adventure, to escape from currently horribly and stressful life, romantic horror and self-help books. I like reading philosophy books and books about different religions. Basically I like reading just about anything except those dumb chick fics, like books about popular girls and high school. I live it and find it annoying enough already, therefore I don’t need to read it.

4) What gives meaning and purpose to my Life?
Oh dear. Well, actually, I don’t really know. I could say I’m a romantic and believe in true love, but I’m also a pessimist and am sure it will never happen to me. And if it did already, my man is dead. *sigh* What gives meaning to my life… I am so lost in this one. My life has no purpose, no life has a designated purpose… but if I could say I had a purpose, it would be to make people think since I despise stupid people.

5) What are my talents and skills? How might I improve them?
As said above, my skills consist of:

Drawing/Painting: I can always take more drawing classes once I graduate. Maybe take a good figure drawing class, and once I have a job, be able to buy a good set of art supplies that I want. I currently am itching for a field easel, some oil paints, and of course a few canvases.

Writing: I love writing stories and ranting about my life like the over emotional teenager that I am. Also, poetry and songwriting is another thing I like, despite not being able to read music. Lol me, I just write lyrics. A way that I would like to improve my writing skills and my vocabulary (which I think is dying, courtesy of stupid beaners around me) is to learn how to write better essays. I hate writing essays, not because the essays themselves, but because I hate being unable to do something.

Singing: Well, the only way to get better at singing is to keep doing it, so that's just what I'm going to have to do. lol.

Cooking: I love food. No. I ADORE food! I like making it, and i like eating it, I like looking at it cuz it's pretty. Edible art. In order to become a better cook, I guess I'll just have to cook a lot and look at different ways to do it.

6) What do I most often daydream about?

I mostly daydream about the stories or rpgs I'm in, like how I can develop the plot further or what my character will be doing next.

In Which I Write About The Eeyore Effect

The Eeyore Effect

In Benjamin Hoff’s The Te of Piglet there is a chapter called 'The Eeyore Effect'. In these pages Hoff views a development in which an increasing number of people are becoming more negative as time ticks by, shooting down and smothering the growth of those people smaller and weaker than they, (whom Hoff calls piglets). Like he says about Eeyore, “There is something in each of us that wants us to be unhappy… It contaminates the mind behind the expression, with negative energy, and spreads outward, like a disease.”(Hoff, 54) Those that are miserable want to make others just as depressed, thinking that theirs is the only right way, the realistic way, never accepting that reality itself is made by how one interprets it.
In the part of the chapter to which I relate with the most, he explains how one's educators, whether being a real teacher or one with supposed knowledge, can actually inhibit the growth of the learner. They push negative information on children; how there are problems in the world that can't be fixed. They tell the learner how helpless they are, and then the children themselves become bitter and angry, successfully producing only more 'Eeyores'. “The Eeyores are… eliminating what they consider unnecessary… Art Creative Writing, Drama, and so on-classes that help students observe, reason, and communicate as well as keep their spirits and the left sides of their brains alive,”(Hoff, 72) in essence taking away their ability to live their lives fully.

It is all because of the modern romanticizing of all things negative. Society slaves away to uphold the appeal of deathly thin super models, violent movies, and music filled with vulgarity and then complain that society is becoming more rotten and immoral by the day when in truth it’s all their pessimism that breeds more of itself, spreading from person to person like a black plague of so-called realism. A reality without imagination and creativity, trudging away to the dull acceptance that one’s life is never going to get better because they just don’t try.
I was once a 'Very Small Animal' like piglet, during my childhood, and like him there were some 'Eeyores' that constantly put me down. I was surrounded by this type of personality in several people, telling me that I would never amount to anything or mocking my achievements. Because I let myself be influenced in this way, I believe I matured far more quickly and negatively than I would have in other circumstances; in other words, becoming like 'Eeyore' myself. Before that time in my life, I had never been such a pessimistic person. On the contrary, I was one to always look on the bright side of things. And looking back on it while reading this book, I realized back then that I still had a chance to better myself. I didn’t have to lower myself or submit myself to the gloominess of these Eeyores in my life. Little by little, I tried letting these things go as I read what Hoff was writing about, and I began trying to not be Eeyore-ish myself. Trying to look past the negative, and instead of seeing obstacles trials, see them as opportunities to grow and build a personality. Because as Hoff says, “Without difficulties, life would be like a stream without rocks and curves-about as interesting as concrete.”(Hoff, 58) It worked for a while, though when I finished reading the book and put it back on the shelf, I quickly forgot these Taoist teachings of respecting one another, and went right back on my old ways of cursing my bad luck and the people around me instead of thanking the heavens for the things I had that were going right.

Which adds another example of how persistent negativity is in our culture. It just keeps coming back because we let it, and we let it back in because we are used to it and accept it as the norm. But the problem is not with how much pessimism and negativity there is around us, but with the problems perceived by society, “They believe the negative and not the positive and are so obsessed with What’s Wrong that the Good Things in Life pass them by unnoticed.”(Hoff, 59) Like these people I was so preoccupied with my problems that I didn’t appreciate my gifts until they had left and all I had was a past full of mistakes to look back on, adding to my pessimistic, “realist” attitude.

However, reading this book once again, I come to find that I have another chance to see the brighter things and no be dragged down by the muck around me. Because as Hoff says, “respect… is sinking like the Titanic-and consequently, so is the state of the earth, the family, and society.”(Hoff, 79) I don’t need to add myself to the already corroding and depressed masses of society. I know now that I have the opportunity to start a new cycle, a cycle in which everyone is kind to each other and helps one another become better themselves.

In Which...

I became a butterfly amongst the broken glass.
Flutter fragile Glasswing dreams
Let visions cloud my mind.
Open my eyes
There is the end of sight.
Close off my heart
That is the way we start.
Tell me
You love
The way I live for you.
I Sink into the song-like warmth that you left behind
flutter fragile Glasswing dreams
Let visions protect my mind
Close off my eyes
caccoon myself in sounds
of your silent heart
wrap these crystal wings around us
wait for the end to start.
Tell me
you love
the way i sleep for you.
One day I'll wake up
to meet you in the past.
I love the way you wait for me.

In Which Men in Tights is the Most Beautiful Sight I've Ever Seen~ (12/ 7 / 08)

Wow, this is from a very long time ago, but I feel like I must post this or feel horrible about not speaking about the most excitingg part of December!

I know, I know... What kind of girl likes to see men in tights, right? Well I am here to say, that it is, without a doubt one of the hottest things in the world!

This weekend, I and the rest of the Vocal Ensemble went to perform at the Alex Theatre in Glendale. The performance itself wasnt that bad on the first day. We wore our red dresses, while the guys wore their cumber buns... really i dont know why they have such a strange name...

Any way Here are the glorious pictures of the ballet taken by my choir teacher:

((The Snow Fairy, or.. I dont remember her name...))


((The Nutcracker Prince and the Sugarplum Fairy... i dont get whats so special about her >.>))


((There we are!! Of course our choir teacher didnt take this himself, him being in the picture...))


((this was outside in the lobby... and it was cold. Im the only one wearing glasses))

In Which December 1st Marked the Beginning of a Stressful Week

As stated in the title, I have had one of the most stressful weeks of the year. Although I can say that not everything about the week was bad, one could even say that it was a very exciting week, but I will argue to say that: what comes up must come down. I had some very high points to the week, but also had some very low points.

Monday (12/1/09)

I woke up extremely excited that morning because we were going to go to court as a field trip for my government class. Of course, I, wanting to take as much time getting ready to go, woke up half an hour earlier and turned on the coffee maker. The smell of this elixir of life woke me up immediately... or so i thought. In my still drowzy state, I had decided to wear wedges to court, thinking that since I would most likely be sitting down the whole time, I wouldn't have to worry about my feet hurting. Ohoho boy, was I ever wrong.

Not only did I forget to actually take the coffee i had so painstakenly prepared, but my feet began to hurt right about the time we got to court. When I cared to check i found that the shoes had rubbed my toes raw to the point where one of them was "skinned." Not a pretty sight and more painful than it seemed. But I'm not mexican for nothing, so I sucked it up all day until we finally came back to school around 5th period. Then, I let myself go and went crying to the nurse like a baby. My feet were bleeding by then. Smartie me. Of course, I called my mom and she came to pick me up, bringing the best, most comfortable shoes I have ever bought. Thank you L.A. I hobbled back home with my mom and brother, taking the bus and all that, and finally was able to rest and put my feet up.

Tuesday (12/2/09)
Nothing much happened that day besides me being in too much pain to put on my shoes. I promised myself on this day that i would never wear heels again. Let's see how long that holds up.


Wednesday(12/3/09)
Another field trip day, only this time for vocal ensemble. All of us went to the Calabasas Country Club..in our formal attire, meaning we had to wear those hideous red dresses. From what I hear, they were the best looking ones... though I wish they had come in black. Oh well. Red is the color of Christmas, so I guess it's ok. Anyway, The actual field trip was very entertaining. Even for us, who were supposed to be the ones entertaining the older folk, but We had fun. We were given LOTS, and i mean LOTS of sweets. I almost got a stomach ache from all the cookies and brownies i ate, but the ladies were very amiable and we all had fun singing with the elderly. One of the ladies even started crying because we "looked so cute." Too soon, though, it was over, and we had to return to school, though we did take a lot of group pictures, even a few "religious" group pictures which were very funny. We got to school on time for 6th period so I had fun on the computer for one hour, and then went to Merchandise class.

Thursday(12/4/08)
The most horrible day of the week. Again, I forgot to bring my coffee to school, so I practically fell asleep in class..actually i did. My friend had to wake me up. In my psychology class i found out that my "partners" had told the teacher that I hadnt wanted to participate. How far from the truth their statement could be... They never gave me the opportunity to participate, always wanting to do the psychology experiment after school, when i had made it clear that I was unable to because of my after school class. Did they care, of course not. I asked them if we could do the project on the weekend but no, they wanted to hang out together on saturday, so they ended up doing it during lunch without telling me. And i even went so far as giving them my email so they could send me the information and i could neaten it up a little, but they never did, saying that it was because i was absent... like that has anything to do with them not emailingme.

Anyway, the teacher gave me only a few more days to do my own experiment by myself, when they had a whole month to do it together. Thanks a lot. Very helpful. Though i di appreciate the chance, it was a very small one for something i didnt do. I hate the living. lol.

Friday(12/5/08)
Actually nothing special happened, besides me waking up with massive amounts of pain in my back and stress. Thanks a lot, "partners" I hope your christian god gives you your's. Now I know that i sound like a childish whiner, but it really pisses me off, and i still am pissed off. Although I cant wait to go to the ballet tomorrow, I am stressed out so fully that anyone tapping me on the arm has me jumping a mile in the air. I will not have time during the weekend to do my project though the teacher says that "it only takes an hour." Yeah? well how about actually getting help to film myself doing the experiment. If I'm lucky I wont have to take a picture of myself, though i now I'll be too busy at the ballet to take pictures anyway. Goddess give me patience so I dont go bonkers on God's people. Why are Christians still out to get us?